Posts Tagged ‘monsters’
Well, Merry Readers, we come once again to woeful Wednesday and that implies yet another installment of Monster Laboratory! I know what you’re thinking… yes, the rent’s due and no, when she says get milk at the store she doesn’t mean Nestle Quik. Gawd, you people!
No doubt you’re curious at to what sort of foul sacrement I’ll offer up for this week’s ritual
of monsterness. So am I. I’ve been so freakin’ busy this week that I’ve not taken the five or six pages of notes that usually lead up to my grand creations. I’m also lying, but you’ll need to use all the tools at your disposal to figure out WHAT I’m lying about! Clever.
I do believe I’ve struck upon something both disgusting and fearful. It’ll make the finest
movie ever, too! Which is good since "poopdidoop" accused me of plagiarism last week in a round-about way over my Mushroom Zombies.
Honestly, I’d not read David Wellington’s take on zombies so I’ll plead innocence on that one. I can’t be expected to read every damned novel in the universe hacked off by some two bit writer! Not saying Wellington’s a hack or a two-bit writer, I’m merely saying that if he WERE I’d have quite a bit more leeway but as it stands I STILL cannot be expected to know everything about everything. If you want an oracle, go read Warren Buffet and put yourselves to sleep.
/end.rant
Alright, now that I’ve tugged that outta my chest, on to this week’s exercise in
pseudo-scientific dabbling. What I’m about to offer you is perhaps the most terrifying vision that’s ever struck my mind. It’s so evil, heinous and disturbing that many of you may not be able to finish the article. I promise not to include pictures, but I *do* encourage you to photochop up a few examples if you’re skilled with Adobe’s magical Photoshop (or, if like me you’re a total cheapass and use the GIMP). I know there are those of you reading this who know how to make marvelous creations and IF YOU MUSTER THE COURAGE TO ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE I promise to display your works right here on the site, okay?
But, Glow, wtf are you getting at? What could be so frightening that I’ll soil this thong I
borrowed from my sister? I hear you, Merry Readers, I truly do. I also think that’s gross.
We open our mind movie on a sunny field in mid-June when all the world’s groovy for elementary kids across our great cornfed nation of America. We’ve got three kids throwing a ball around out there and catching solar radiation like it’s 1982 – but it isn’t 1982 and as a result these little rapscallions may be heading towards an early grave due to their careless lack of sunscreen. Who are these three stars of our mental cinema? Why it’s Kyle (with the obnoxious red curly hair), Melanie (our leggy little slut-to-be) and Justin (a crew-cut snotnose who’s got a strong lisp and will totally pinch you in class when the teacher’s not looking). They have a little conversation that goes something like this:
JUSTIN: Kyle, you’re such a pansy! No one beweaves (believes) in ghofs (ghosts)!
MELANIE: My mom does.
(Remember this is set in modern times)
JUSTIN: You’re mom’s a slut any how!
MELANIE: *glaring* You shut up! Just because me, Theresa, Dylan, Monica and Tyler all have different dads doesn’t mean anything!
*both boys laugh while MELANIE continues to glare*
MELANIE: SHUT UP or I’ll turn YOU into a ghost!
JUSTIN: Whooo. Scawee (Scary)!
MELANIE: Mom says ghosts are just people who haven’t passed over.
KYLE: Passed over what? Like they’re Jewish?
MELANIE: No, dorkstick, like died. Like they passed over into Heaven or whatever.
JUSTIN: Only babies beweave in heaven. Any way, ghofs aren’t scawee unless you’re a weetard (retard) so you guys must be weetards.
MELANIE: You’re just jealous because your dad still works at McDonald’s.
JUSTIN: He’s a manajo (manager)!
KYLE: Manager of what? Chicken nuggets?
JUSTIN: Shut up, dooth (douche) bag, or I’ll tell your sisto (sister) you found her webcam videoth (videos)!
*KYLE blushes, MELANIE looks sympathetic, intrigued*
JUSTIN: So ghofs are the scaweeiest (scariest) thing you guys can think of? Seriouswee (Seriously)?
KYLE: I heard this story once…
JUSTIN: Oh gwate (great), here he goes again!
MELANIE: Let him finish, queerbait!
*JUSTIN’s shocked into silence*
KYLE: Well… My great grandma said that in the Old Country, where she came from before she migrated to America, they have trolls. Kind of like in World of Warcraft, except smaller like the gnomes.
JUSTIN: My Blood Elf’s a level-
*KYLE and MELANIE glare JUSTIN back to silence*
MELANIE: What do the trolls do? Did your Grandma say?
KYLE: Well, she talks kind of funny because of her accent and the fake teeth, but I think she said the eat people. That or they eat pebbles, I’m not sure.
MELANIE: Did she mean the Flintstone’s cereal?
KYLE: I don’t think so. She looked kind of scared to tell us. She says trolls live in
basements and dark places and that you only see them when you’re by yourself. They pick on little kids the most.
MELANIE *shivers*: Maybe they eat spiders and rats, too, then. What do they look like?
KYLE: That’s the scary part. She says that they’re short and stumpy. Real fat and ugly, too, with gross hairs and moles and stuff.
MELANIE: Ew!
*JUSTIN simply watches, wide-eyed, wrinkling his little queerbait nose*
KYLE: Except trolls don’t have their own look. They steal it from the people they kill. Like
if they kill you and eat you then they look like you except all fat and nasty.
JUSTIN: Imagine if you went home and one of them popped out fwom (from) behind the couch and wooked wike (looked like) your mom or something! I’d fweak (freak) out!
MELANIE *shudders*: Oh my god, I hope I never see one!
But she will, Merry Readers, she certainly will. For the sake of our motion picture, Melanie MUST confront the trolls in her own home. Of course, these aren’t the trolls that Kyle’s dementia-drunk grandmother was babbling about. No, these nightmare are not from Hungary, they’re from – outer space! In fact, they’re not actual life forms as we currently understand them. Instead, they’re products of an extra terrestrial race who are unable to survive within our atmosphere. As a result, they turn to their own hybrid of magic and science to create artificial life forms that ‘research’ our fragile species. We come to call them: Shapeshifting Android Trolls! Or SAT for short.
Here’s how Rey from Illustrated Movie Review pictures them!
Now the SATs might’ve been harmless, except the aliens really weren’t looking to preserve life while they carried out their research. They noticed that unlike their kind, creatures on Earth ‘feed’ on things by stuffing the food into their mouths. They designed their trolls to operate in a similar fashion, cramming humans into their mouths and allowing them to break down in the stomach area. The stomach of an SAT is designed to sift through the physical matter of the digesting human and beam back the data in alien-friendly laser code. Then, the data’s used by the troll’s internal systems to attempt to re-create the person it just gorged on. This means that Kyle’s grandma wasn’t far off: each meal alters the troll’s appearance to resemble the last victim.
Imagine, if you will, a fat, short and totally gross version of any person you can think of.
When I say fat, I mean similar to Fat Bastard in the Austin Powers movies. A sludge-like blimp of a person no taller than three and a half feet. Perhaps they’ve got bulbous, misshapen eyes and oddly arranged teeth – use your creative powers here! Obviously they’re ungodly strong and cannot be "killed" so they’ll be able to rampage through our world terrorizing children for ages to come!
I’m kind of creeped out now so I’m going to go into another room where the lights are on.
Until next time, this has been GlowStormLion reminding you that children and the elderly should never, EVER be left alone together.
Wednesday is upon us and I’m sure each of you Merry Readers realizes by now what Wednesday signifies: yet another cannonball run through madness known as the Happy Horror Monster Laboratory!
*insert maniacal laughter here*
As usual, I’ve had various visions battling in my mind as to what sort of fiendish creature I should cook up. And that’s without any peyote or anything, too. Different ideas were proposed and shot rightly down. Then I came across something on Red Hawk’s MySpace profile that I’d forgotten about entirely. Remember those Jack Link jerky commercials featuring a big foot or sasquatch or yeti or whatever the hell you want to call the giant ape-like, upright monstrosity of hair? Well, the crazy bastard’s got his own MySpace profile! Check it out, right? He’s got videos, blog posts and the whole nine!
Just seeing this, one of the best promotional schemes in years, spurred me to the finest idea I’ve given intellectual birth to in the Monster Laboratory yet! In order for this to work correctly, we’re going to need to set things up properly. I want you to relax, ease your tensions and open your mind so you can get a mental picture of majesties I’ve not got the talent to draw. Let’s watch a mind movie, as yet unmade.
Ready?
A group of, let’s say, hunters prepares to hit the woods. They’re gathered around their trucks, decked out in camouflage and different trucker hats. You can make the hunters be from whatever region you’d prefer, just make sure that particular region has forests. These hunters are readying to go shoot some game in a heavily wooded area far from the troubles and stresses of their home towns. They’re getting their tents ready because this excursions going to be an excuse to get away from the wives and young ‘uns for a good week or so. These are your average blue-collar guys and they’re planning to not just bring home some meat, but crack a few beers out there at night while they enjoy the wonders of the primordial wilderness.
Or so they think.
In case you’re having trouble picturing a setting, let me offer you my own photograph of such an area:
Off the hunter caravan goes! Blaring Freebird or Johnny Cash or what have you and bantering with the other menfolk. These guys are in good spirits because this year they’re all going to bag trophies worth bragging about, they’re sure of it! With the opening credits out of the way, we watch them roll through the countryside, celebrating the good times that are about to begin. Hell yeah!
After arriving at the camping area they used last year, they start unpacking and setting up their tents. Several of them start drinking because it’s already afternoon, so no hunting will go down until the morning. Then ole Joe, we’ll call him, decides he’s gotta drain the lizard so he tromps off into the woods to take a wizz. The camera follows him and he’s not in too big of a hurry, kind of whistling to himself and taking pulls off his tallboy of Coors. We re-join the rest of the camp and they’re joking about women or whatever, like good ole boys will do when no women are around.
Then we hear a burst of gunfire and everybody freezes.
Now, gunfire during hunting season’s nothing unusual around these parts. However, at this time of day and with what the guys believe must’ve been a fully automatic? That’s a damned unusual. Freakish, really. While they’re unnerved, they go ahead and carry on figuring it’s probably some guy teaching his kid how to shoot. Pisser he’s gotta be doing that during this time of year, they agree, might scare the game off. Oh well, they’re not gonna let that ruin their merry good times. Before long they’re sitting in lawn chairs and arguing about what to barbecue for the night.
Time passes.
Funny, someone says, Joe’s been gone an awful long time. Probably had to take a dump, one of the guys shoots back and they all start laughing like a locker room full of adolescent boys. Various scatalogical jokes are told. Then the guy who noticed Joe’s lengthy urination time starts insisting they go look for him. Maybe he got lost, that guy suggests, making himself into the nag of the group already. A couple responsible-looking old-timers decide they’d better at least go stand out in the woods and call his name otherwise if a bear or something got Joe they’d never hear the goddamned end of it from Mr. Nag over there.
Off into the woods they go, obviously taking their hunting rifles because cougars and wolves and all that still come out in the late afternoon from time to time. Not scared, you understand, just better safe than sorry, that’s all. They tromp around out there, a couple pairs and a couple lone wolves. Calling for Joe, but Joe doesn’t ever answer. You and I know the truth, Merry Readers, but the hunters haven’t the scarcest notion. Suddenly, the camera zooms in on one of the guys and we can see over his shoulder. Here’s what we see:
Then it’s gone.
Just like that, blink of an eye, etc. Of course, this old timer goes scurrying back from whenst he came, rifle at the ready. He’s a veteran so he’s taking no chances and he’s got combat experience so he stays careful while he makes his way back to the campsite. The guys who stayed behind look up from their beers with a what the hell look on their faces. The old timer explains what he saw and normally they’d doubt any kind of "bigfoot" story, but this guy’s got cred with his peers. They start calling in the rest of the searchers. After a huddle, they determine they’re going to divide into squads and begin systematically scouring the forest for poor lost Joe.
Of course, the Nag thinks they ought to call in for assistance from the authorities but who listens to Nag, anyways? Not these guys. They’re here to hunt and if that means forming Sasquatch death squads then by god that’s what they’re gonna do!
Out in the woods, it doesn’t take long before the guys make a sighting. Not one, but two Sasquatches (Sasquatchi?) padding through an open area. No sign of Joe, but they begin following the big creatures and soon enough, they spot Joe: hanging naked upside down from a tree branch! What’s amazing is how HIGH Joe’s been hung. Surely it’s the work of these fiendish bigfoot-types, one of the hunters mutters as the others in his group scowl and wave for silence.
Too late!
The creatures heard them and turning, we now see they weren’t carrying clubs. Instead, each Sasquatch holds one of these:
Yep, an AK-47 and you know what my good friend Ice Cube says about that? Ain’t gonna be a good day – for the hunters. The beasts open fire, blasting the woods apart and proving an early theory in the camp, that Joe disappeared due to the work of "environmental nutjobs", to be only partially untrue. We’ve just come face to face with a brand new form of terror: The Sasquatch Militia!
That’s right, heavily armed Sasquatch guerrillas who know the wooded areas like the back of their hair-covered hands. They’ve trained, practiced and they’ve not only got huge muscle-corded bodies, they’ve got senses sharpened by longterm life in the wilderness. These big, angry giants don’t need money and they don’t need all the things the pansy race known as homo sapiens clings to for comfort. These massive dudes fear nothing and they’re as silent as ninjas. Big, furry ninjas with guns, that is!
What would The Sasquatch Militia want from mankind? Their freakin’ homeland back you dumb bastards! They swear on the blood of their ancestors that right now, in 2008 they’re initiating the war the Native Americans tribes spoke of when they prophesied the civilization of humans coming to an end in 2012. These fuckers ARE Armageddon, Merry Readers, and they’ll be trouncing the bejeezus out of one nation at a time until they’ve conquered our entire bald race!
Imagine it: Sasquatch in stolen humvees, one driving and one firing the mounted machinegun. Sasquatch comandeering tanks and helicopter gunships. Sasquatch carrying 2,000 rounds of ammunition slung over their wookie-fied shoulders as if it were a pretty ribbon and then blasting entire malls full of us into a scene that looks like someone spilled a gigantic, gory Slurpee. Sasquatch means business and they’re not having any more of these bullshit jerky ads to represent themselves. Soon they’ll have obliterated our entire infrastructure by TEARING IT ALL DOWN WITH THEIR BARE HANDS!
If you’re not scared then I pronounce you soul-free. This movie’s obviously an epic classic needing only the money to get it made. You really don’t even need a script. You just need a whole bunch of WWF WWE wrestlers in furry suits breaking shit and people will buy tickets. You don’t want them looking too much like Chewbacca, though because I’ve heard that angry little toad Lucas is lawsuit-happy. So be careful to make these Sasquatch look very un-Star Warsian. Now, I want to be clear here: this isn’t enough of a vaginally-aimed movie to win an Academy Award or anything like that. We’re talking more along the action flick lines. But it’s a money-maker, guaranteed. The world needs heroes and The Sasquatch Militia delivers with a fur-flying powerbomb of adrenaline and a heart-warming story of the underdog rising up to win back his rightful due, in this case: Planet Earth.
Clearly, I’ve said enough. Now it’s up to each and every one of you Merry Readers to beat the pavement and make some phone calls to get this thing a solid budget and hook the Hollywood machine’s engine up to it. I expect it in theaters by 2011 because I’d like to see it before the world ends, ok? Thanks!
Until next time, this is GlowStormLion, reminding you that you don’t have to be hairy to be a hero – but it sure helps!
Velcome… I’ve been waiting for some time to be able to cover horror collectibles here on Happy Horror, so it’s my finest pleasure to be able to bring you the first offering we’ve ever featured in this brand new category. I figured I’d start things off right with a real classic: Count Dracula!
So, take a peek!
This polystone diorama, created by the artists Tom Gilliland, Jeff Yagher, Steve Riojas, Anthony Mestas and the Sideshow Collectibles Design and Development Team is part of Sideshow’s "Universal Monsters" line. In case you’re wondering what exactly Universal Monsters
are, allow me to enlighten you. They are the versions of monsters featured in Universal Studios films such as Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Invisible Man and Werewolf of London. The classic horror films from the thirty year period from 1920 to the 1950’s. Essentially, the foundation of American horror movie monsters.
This diorama uses the characters from the 1931 film entitled simply, ‘Dracula‘. The same one that scared the living daylights out of me as a child even though I knew it couldn’t possibly be real. Playing The Count we have the legendary Bela Lugosi (who is dead) and that’s Dwight Frye playing poor ole Renfield. You probably already guessed what book the movie took it’s inspiration from, but I’m going to tell you anyways: Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the mother (or father?) of all vampire epics. Yes, this bloodsucker’s the real deal!
And speaking of deals, I’ve got to admit it’s extremely well-priced, too, for such a high quality collector’s item. It’s 13 inches high and 7 inches long (as well as wide), weighing in at 6 pounds! That’s a pretty substantial size considering each one is hand-painted to precision standards you’ll be familiar with if you’ve seen any other products from Sideshow. These people don’t mess around. All that and they’re still pre-ordering for $159.99! They’re set to be shipped in the 4th Quarter of this year (2008), in limited quantities. In fact, each customer is only being permitted to buy two. Probably because people who buy one of these dioramas will probably be able to put their kids through college if they decide to sell it on Ebay later!
You’ve got to love this scene they’ve chosen to portray, too, you know? All the details intact, down to the staircase Renfield cowers at the foot of. One of the most intense moments of the original film and with this diorama it’s like you’ve got a three dimensional film still directly in front of you. That’s why I included the pictures from different angles. I sat here oggling the thing for quite a while myself.
All in all, I easily give this diorama a 5 out of 5 based solely on its perfect re-creation of a moment in horror cinema history that truly scared me as a child and continues to make me want to shudder whenever I see it today. I’m pretty sure you’ll agree that I need you to buy me one of these so I can look at it between writing articles. Right? … What??
Until next time, this is GlowStormLion, looking deeply into your eyes and murmuring the seductive words: "You vant to buy dis diorama…. if you vant to leeve."
You can get your very own Dracula & Renfield Diorama, right here!
Originally posted: June 17, 2006 @ 6:13am PST
In a neighboring town, inside the mall, there’s an arcade called "Tilt" that I visited more frequently when I was younger (not so much now, but I still drop in there on occasion). They had a row of fighting games along one wall that I usually checked out. When I had the money and the guts, I’d sometimes play them. I was never really that good at the arcade fighters but that never stopped me from trying them out. One of my memories is of playing Mortal Kombat 3 and actually doing well with Shang Tsung – until some kid came up next to me, popped a quarter in, hit start, and said, "Hope you don’t mind." That was the end of that game for me because that kid trounced me. Such are the ways of the arcade, I guess. However, that’s not why we’re here today. This time, I’m here to talk about another fighter that caught my eye and a lot of my quarters, as well. That fighter was Dark Stalkers.
I was familiar with Street Fighter 2, of course, when I wandered the arcades back then but when this game caught my eye, I was floored. I never thought I’d see a fighting game that used monsters in it so I knew I just had to try this one. I dropped my money into the slot and perused the characters, picking one that caught my eye… Morrigan the Succubus. I don’t remember how that play went but probably the way most of my arcade experiences did…
Me dying in the second round.
Flash forward to the mid-90s which brought us the birth of the Sony Playstation. One of the titles that launched along with it was a home version of Darkstalkers. One pay day, I went down to Sears to purchase two things: my original PlayStation and Darkstalkers. I got it home, hooked it up to the VCR (our TV didn’t have jacks in it for video game systems like they do now), then I started the game. That soundtrack started up, just like in the arcade. It honestly brought a tear to my eye. I hit start, chose my first character (Morrigan, naturally) and began playing. Everything was there: the moves, the characters, the sounds, they all assured me that I had made a wise purchase. One that I still enjoy to this day.
The style of play in the game is straight-forward. You pick one of 10 characters: Demitri, the Vampire; Morrigan, the Succubus; Anakaris, the Mummy; Victor, the Frankenstein; Lord Raptor, the Zombie; Jon Talbain, the Werewolf; Felicia, the Catgirl; Rikuo, the Merman; Sasquatch, the Bigfoot; and Bishamon, the Ghost Samurai. Your goal is to fight through every other character and then defeat the last two bosses: Huitzil, the Robot and Pyron, the Alien. If you could win against them, then you got to see the character’s ending.
The gameplay itself is rather simple, as well, but the moves are well-animated, though some are more difficult to perform than others, specifically the special moves, but look incredibly beautiful when you pull them off successfully. The characters all play differently, as you’d expect them to considering they come from such diverse backgrounds. Their speeds range from slow (Anakaris and Victor) to rather fast (Felicia). The game produced two direct sequels: Night Warriors: Darkstalker’s Revenge and Vampire Savior. Yes, Vampire Savior was released in the United States on the PSX as Darkstalkers 3, another great game that I’ll more than likely cover in a later article. An additional version that was released was Darkstalkers Chronicles: The Chaos Tower for the PSP, which is one I’ll definitely be covering very soon.
Before I close, there’s one more thing I want to mention. Sometime back, on my old computer, I downloaded a program that let you look at the movies, images, songs, etc. from different PlayStation video games. When I slipped my Darkstalkers game into the computer to view it, what I found shocked me. There was a video of gameplay which was set to the theme song of the American cartoon version of Darkstalkers (called Trouble Man) with the end of the video showing the Darkstalkers logo replaced by its original, Japanese title: Vampire. The best I can guess is that this might have been an original opening or something that was dropped from the American release, yet never removed from the CD.
This game is one of my all-time favorites and I’d defend it to the ends of the earth. Keep watching here for character bios from the game, not to mention ratings for each one (based off of my personal preferences, of course). For this game, overall, my rating will have to be 5 out of 5. In my opinion, it can deserve no less. Until next time, this is Red Hawk signing out!
[Editor's note: There are tons of toys and action figures for Darkstalkers fans! These are a few I found: Lilith, Demitri, Felicia, Sasquatch, an amazing set of six figures and even Darkstalkers Mini-Mates!]
Since yesterday I debuted the very first Terror Track Tuesday (find it HERE), I got to thinking. Obviously I haven’t got enough stress and guilt in my life, so why not heap on a lil more by unveiling a brand new weekly feature that I’ll feel obligated to continue? And that’s what you’re reading now, my pretties. Welcome to the very first Horrorsode (tm!) of the ingeniously titled Monster Laboratory!
What will I be doing each Wednesday? Beautiful question. I need to burn up a few sentences in order to have enough text to make this feel like a full article and keep me from feeling bad that I didn’t review Damien: Omen II, yet, so allow me to delve into my inspiration. I figure we’ve all got a bit of the Freakenstein in us. We all watch monster movies and go, "Hey, I bet I could come up with a cool monster!" Right? Well, I hate to burst your bubble, kids, but none of you have or there’d be alot more relevant results when you google "Monster Laboratory", okay?
That’s why I decided to step up to the plate and grasp my proverbial Louisville slugger of creativity and swing for the cinematic fences. Damn that was a weird analogy. On the off chance that some Hollywood hotshots find our site (stop laughing!), I want to present my creations. I’m not worried about royalties or becoming the next Billy Mays, all I want is the smug sense of satisfaction that I’ll one day feel when I go to a movie and look at all the other suckers packing the theater to see my brainchildren galavant around the silver screen wreaking mass mayhem. That’s the dream – Monster Laboratory spawning cult classics quicker than Warhol’s factory made…. weird stuff.
Anyways. Witness now the birth of the first monster!
What do you mean what is it?? Don’t be a jerk, it’s not a beaver, it’s Butcher Bears ™! We probably all are born with a deep-seated distrust of stuffed animals, dreaming from time to time throughout our childhoods that they’ll finally have had enough and seek vengeance for all the poor care we gave them over their years as we took dump after emotional dump on them when everyone else got sick of hearing our problems. Or maybe it’s just me…
So, yeah I never trusted muppets one bit and I always suspected those smiley gladhand Care Bears had hidden agendas of a far darker nature than they’d readily admit to in public. And Teddy Ruxpin? The only things creepier than that furry android are those crazy monkeys that bang cymbals together. Naturally, my imagination’s thus quite a fertile place for the weeds of evil to sprout and flourish and bear fruit. The fruit called Butcher Bears ™ – Fear Has Fur.
Butcher Bears aren’t your typical teddy, folks. Butcher Bears come from broken homes on the wrong side of the tracks and survived abuse that would make Chuck Norris weep in empathy. Butcher Bears absorbed the childhood dramas of their former slavemasters, sometimes for a decade or more. They heard the stories about how your sister kicked you in the crotch when mom was on the phone and later called you boogerlips. They sat there while you organized your stupid imaginary meetings among wizards with names you totally stole from Harry Potter or Masters of the Universe. They sprawled on the floor helpless after you got bored kicking them around the room and practicing various unimaginative wrestling maneuvers on them. You never cared that they weren’t manufactured with tear ducts and thus were incapable of crying. They’ve had enough of your bull puckey, son. Get ready to die slow.
Now I’m sure you’re going to try and point to Chucky in order to call my idea unoriginal. Guess what? Butcher Bears throw Chucky a blanket party to rival the Piru Bloods, son! Butcher Bears will swarm on you silly cretins cause they do THEIR job. You trip while tryin’ to run from ‘em and they’ll be on you like a pack of ill-tempered Ewoks! As you’ll note in the picture above, they possess amazing dexterity which allows them to hold knives nearly as big as they are. And look into those eyes, will you? Do you see fear there?? Your own, perhaps!
Which leads me to a tip: never make eye contact with a Butcher Bear. The basic rule of thumb when it comes to Butcher Bears is this – if you wouldn’t do it to a van full of heavily tattood Chicanos with shaved heads and handlebar moustaches, don’t do it to a Butcher Bear because each one you actually catch a glimpse of is merely a scout for its crew. Butcher Bears never act alone because they learned from their pint-sized slavemasters. They know if you want to take out big people you’ve got to do it during birthday parties when there aren’t enough parents around to stop you and your friends from having a cake war. Or something along those lines – each Butcher Bear had unique experiences!
And you know what that means, don’t you? Yes! Butcher Bears stand to net more than Pokemon because they appeal to an older audience with far more financial resources at its disposal. I predict (after the first sequel, most likely), a wave of toys from the folks who made the Living Dead Dolls or Garbage Pail Kids. Toys attractive to both children and adults! Of course, since the movies will be rated R kids can’t watch them but GTA’s rated M (for Mature) and you totally know kids are running around with hookers and getting drunk at Comrade’s Bar despite that. Think of the hysteria, the uproar that Butcher Bears will bring. America needs this – the WORLD needs this.
I mean there hasn’t been this much audience building power in a brand since Joe Camel! You got your cute, you got your death. Those are the fundamental elements of grabbing people at a base level. It’d be like if Full House partnered with Friday the 13th. The only people who wouldn’t be watching a show like that never turn switch the channel off of PBS anyways! Admit it, Butcher Bears represent an eventuality. Butcher Bears are web two point oh. Butcher Bears are viral. Butcher Bears mean business for Hasbro, Lucasfilm or whoever’s quick enough to snatch this idea from me and create a merchandising empire. I welcome Troma, Bandai, whoever. Butcher Bears have got to happen because if not we stand to lose a great deal. Like democracy or peace of mind. No one wants that.
Now I understand your first impulse is going to be to put this up on Facebook as you idea or make some kind of YouPube video cartoon thing but let me say this: I will find you. Monster Laboratory means business, punks, and Butcher Bear belongs to us! So like if you decide to rip it, atleast give us a shoutout or something, wouldja? Thanky.
That be it for dis first Monster Laboratory. Store this sweet moment in your little black hearts, my pretties because we just popped Monster Laboratory’s cherry and I don’t care what your friends told you, your virginity doesn’t "grow back if you wait long enough."
(Fine, glittersoul came up with the original idea.)
Take care and thanks for stopping by!
