They did it again! Right in time for the Fourth of July, Fear Itself pulled out a showstopper with their fifth episode, entitled ‘Eater‘. I’m just going to go ahead and give it a 5 out of 5 before we play any meandering down the path games. It’s freaking brilliant, so lets not waste space serenading it, Merry Readers, let’s tear right into the meat of this review!

This week, the episode’s directed by Stuart Gordon whom you may know from such classic films as Re-Animator and Space Truckers. As simple as the story line here is, he told the story in a completely spell-binding way. Here’s the basic gist of how it goes: we got a rookie lady cop who goes by Bannerman and tonight she’s going to get to stay in the station with her peers to watch over a cannibalistic serial killer known as ‘The Eater’.

Simple enough, right? First off, I’ve got to applaud the casting decision for this episode
because happily I didn’t recognize any of the actors or actress which is amazing since I’ve seen just about each one of them in other films. To me that speaks of both the actor’s ability and the director’s skill at emphasizing the character rather than the person portraying the character.

Rookie Bannerman is played by Elisabeth Moss of Mumford and Girl, Interrupted. She’s new on the force, yadda yadda. Mainly she’s a horror fan and therefore somewhat intrigued by the prospect of interacting with a real live cannibal. She gets picked on by the other cops for her rank in the pecking order and throughout the show plays a really believable character, shifting seamlessly from emotion to emotion as the circumstances warrant. You come to actually like her as far more than the heroine/victim of a horror movie.

Now the rest of the cast did excellent jobs, but I want to focus on ‘The Eater’ himself, Mr.
Stephen R. Hart. He’s a giant Canadian who stands a whoppin’ six foot eleven inches tall. I have no clue what that translates to in metric but here’s an ballpark estimation: FREAKIN’ HUGE! Not only does he pull off his role as a disgusting creep with finesse, he’s got to be doing black magic because there’s no way I believe the guy’s fifty years old like the IMDb says. According to his bio he’s not only a skilled carver, cartoonist, singer and sculptor, he guarded the Canadian Olympic team back at the 1976 games! Un-frickin-believable. Oh, and he’s also the lead singer of a ‘dance metal’ band whose music is similar to Rammstein. If he looks familiar to you, that’s probably because he was in Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Okay, we’ve established that the show featured great characters and told a story that all took place INSIDE ONE BUILDING on a single night. The camera work here sucked you straight into the story from the word go and made the characters all seem a bit bizarre and unsettling which played perfectly for the events within the story. Glittersoul became somewhat obsessed with actor Stephen Lee’s (The Negotiator, Ghoulies III) resemblence to John Goodman. You know not just anyone can play a Goodmanesque character and Glittersoul should know cause she’s seen plenty of Roseanne!

On top of the excellent cinematography this movie did something that few films, much less television shows, ever manage to do to me: gross me out. I didn’t flinch at Silence of the Lambs and every zombie flick I’ve ever seen came across silly. I even saw some twisted Italian cannibal movie where they killed real animals, but this show? Nasty - no other word describes it. I mean like Hostel-style revolting. That’s pretty impressive because I ended up really resenting Hostel for not having enough story value, but Eater fares much better. The disgust worked the way I think gross outs in films ought to work, they intensify the story, they don’t take it over.

Yep, it’s pretty much perfect in my book. Way go, Fear Itself, you’ve brought us quite a
decent helping of solid horror. Keep it up, NBC!!

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[Editor: You can find previous episodes by a simple search]

Glittersoul and I sat down with our trusty notepad (because we’re poor ludites, you see) and prepared to take in yet another episode of NBC’s Fear Itself. Part of the delight with this series is that, being an anthology it’s a lot like Gump’s legendary box of chocolate… or life.. or whatever. It’s a mixed bag and there’s no telling what’s coming at you any given airing.

For the two of us, that’s an attractive proposition. While we enjoy the stability that a series offers, this anthology’s proven itself in our eyes at this point. We’re 4 episodes into the total 13 and we feel confident the show’s going to live up to expectations - which is surprising considering the amount of hype we’ve given it since we first heard word of NBC’s risky move to have a Thursday night horror slot.

Let’s get down to business, this fourth episode is entitled ‘In Sickness and In Health‘ and it’s brought to us by John Landis. In case you’re wondering, he’s known for The Three Amigos, Coming to America and 2 episodes of Showtime’s Masters of Horror series. Quite an unusual resume, dontcha think? It actually shows a bit in this episode, too. We’re given the story of a couple about to be married (duh!) and the entire program takes place during the night of their glorious public union. We mean the wedding, sickos!

Maggie Lawson’s our bride, she of Pleasantville and a whole bunch of TV work. Her groom’s played by James Roday who not only appeared in 2005’s Dukes of Hazzard, but was also the writer for Skinwalkers. These two are the main players in a drama that we bet you’ll never be able to guess the outcome of until atleast halfway through the show. The story’s got a killer twist (ahem) to it. Oh, and you get to see a priest played by the surprisingly high-pitched William B. Davis, the world famous "Cigarette Smoking Man" from The X-Files.

This episode certainly served to diversify the show’s offerings because it was far more of a psychological drama with no real supernatural elements to speak of. It’s something of a strange cat and mouse game. Maggie Lawson, in particular, plays one of the weirdest female leads we’ve seen in a while and it’s not until the final moments of the broadcast that we truly came to appreciate her performance. There’s not too much gore throughout and it’s far stronger in suspense.

Overall, we enjoyed this episode. We talked about it for a while and though we’d like to give it a 5 out of 5 because of its originality, on the grounds that it’s horror there was something indefinable we felt went missing. We’re not sure what it is exactly, but somehow it didn’t feel quite as dangerous as we think it should have. Therefore, we award it a 4 out of 5, with the understanding that as a piece of television it deserves higher, but for horror fans we expect a bit more kick.

Until next time, this has been GlowStormLion and Glittersoul, warning you all to carefully consider the hands of a villain before making any serious judgement calls. Capiche?

Oh and that song that serves as the Fear Itself theme song? The one by Serj Tankian of System of a Down? We grabbeded it for you guys

!!!

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Originally Published: July 6, 2006

When I was growing up my family went through different phases. As a very young kid, say age 4 (when my first memories occurred) until age 9 we had cable television. I even got the Disney channel for my birthday one year. Then we moved to another state and went through a real economic deep freeze that made cable an unwanted expense for my parents. As a result, I missed out on a lot of good programming and instead was forced to watch PBS shows like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego and other atrocious shows. At no point did we ever have HBO or any other worthy pay channel, therefore I missed Tales from the Crypt entirely. I’d heard of it, but I’d seen none of it.

All that changed thanks to Netflix. Finally I was able to get ahold of the DVD of the first season of Tales from the Crypt! I was royally stoked when it arrived and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Each of the six episodes was gloriously fun. I couldn’t wait to write my review. Then I figured something out. I actually hadn’t seen the first season, I’d seen the second. Netflix had mislabeled the DVD! In the scope of things, seeing the episodes out of sequence isn’t too damaging to one’s soul.

Since I’m such a dashingly original thinker, I’ve decided to review each episode separately rather than the entire DVD at once. Genius, I know but I hate to gloat so we’ll go ahead with things. The Cryptkeeper opens the DVD at the menu was some funny comments but in fair warning I must warn you not to let it play forever because it does loop which can cause his jokes to get tedious. Just hit play and let the good times roll like heads in the French Revolution! Ha!

Ahem.

Dead Right - This episode stars the luscious Demi Moore as a somewhat financially focused career-woman. She walks into a fortune teller’s business as a skeptic and walks out… a skeptic. You see, Madam Vorma is your typical cheesy gypsy-styled shyster, Cathy (Demi) thinks. Her insights might be good, but when the lady tells Cathy she’s going to marry a wealthy man, it just seems to good to be true.

Natalia Nogulich (Postcards from the Edge, Hoffa) does a fine job in her role. I enjoyed her portrayal, as over the top as it might’ve been. A lot of the acting in this episode was fun, though I found Demi’s to be a bit limp. She never quite blended well enough with the rest of the cast for my tastes. Jeffrey Tambor (Hellboy, Arrested Development TV series) did a fabulous job acting his role which required quite a lot of special effects from the looks of things. He manages to bring some humanity to what otherwise be a total caricature as well as good humor.

I wasn’t terribly shocked by how the story played out yet it was worth the watch as total popcorn cinema. There’s nothing too insane or gory or sexual. Just a quick story that’s fun to watch.

The Switch - What you’ll witness in the second episode is Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s directorial review. When this came up on the screen a loud groan escaped me. Resentment welled up inside, I was prepared for a terrible piece of cinema that might compare with Schwarzneggar’s typical acting (which I have rarely enjoyed fully). What actually happened was quite groovy. In retrospect, Schwarzeneggar’s experience in the muscles and body-building lifestyle probably helped the film out, also.

Set design was very well done for this one. We open on a luxurious home of an elderly Mr. Moneybags, Carlton Webster (William Hicky of My Blue Heaven, Major Payne), who’s fallen in love at the ripe old age of older-than-god. He’s in love with a beautiful young woman (Kelly Preston of Dusk til Dawn, Jerry Maguire). Unfortunately, his lady’s love isn’t blind. She gently informs him that she can’t love one who’s so old and that he has zero chance to win her heart. That doesn’t stop our jolly, eternally optimistic bundle of ancient sunshine, though. This Carlton sings, dances and really won my heart. I wouldn’t mind being that joyously outrageous when I get to be his age (around 112, I believe).

Mr. Webster devises a plan to turn back the clock on his body. Through the miracle of modern mad science he begins a process that will change his life, allowing him to become what the object of his affection needs to see. The tale ends up being a moral play so I won’t ruin it for you, but I will state that it’s entirely enjoyable to the end. Before all this Govenator stuff, Schwartzeneggar sure did direct a damn fine film!

Cutting Cards - This episode is perhaps the most intense one of the line-up. We’ve got two major gamblers gathered together in the world’s capitol of luck, Nevada. Starring in this rather morbid show are Kevin Tighe (What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Road House) as Sam Forney and Lance Henriksen (the Millennium guy) as Reno Crevice. This duo serves as an excellent object lesson in the dangers of gambling addiction. These high-rollers crave risky thrills the way zombies crave brains.

The cowboyish tone of the episode is quaint and there’s a definite feel of what the comics probably brought to the table in terms of pulp atmosphere. The story is simple, but effective and there’s an ending that’ll probably make you say "That’s messed UP!" If I’m not mistaken, that’s the general aim of Tales from the Crypt after all, so I’d have to say they hit the target dead on with this one.

‘Til Death - Here we have an episode that’s about a wealthy white plantation owner who is determined to build a resort hotel on Haiti. While there he meets an even wealthier woman who captures his interest. She won’t give him the time of day so he’s got to find a way to win her over because afterall, building actual relationships is an arduous process and not economically efficient. Thankfully, he’s in Haiti, though and you know what that means!

Yep, visit the voodoo priestess to the quaint locals and get yourself a potion. Unfortunately for Logan, our ‘protagonist’, the local voodoo priestess is also his ex-lover. Since he’s not exceptionally bright, Logan quickly follows the instructions with the potion and then adds his own twist. I’m not exactly sure what sort of social statement is trying to be made here, but it’s a bit… uncomfortable to watch in some places since the cultural sensitivity level is even further below my own. What I mean is that the story comes from the 1950’s so you’re going to see embarrassingly goofy depictions of black folks. Other than this, it’s fairly entertaining even if not quite the stellar gem of the DVD.

Three’s a Crowd - This one’s a doozy! We’ve got a married couple who’ll be celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary. The husband Richard, played by Gavan O’Herlihy (Superman III, Willow), isn’t a big earner so he and his wife are being treated to a luxurious vacation by their friend Alan, who’s played by Paul Lieber (Parking, Shag). Lieber does an excellent job portraying the sort of grinning debutante that instantly gets under your skin and there’s not much time before you’ll be considering the wife Della, played by Ruth de Sosa (Dreamers, Confessions of a Hitman), to be a scheming evil cheat.

This O’Herlihy would make a wonderful werewolf. There’s a sort of bestial intensity about him that shines in this part. As what’s going on between Della and Alan becomes more apparent to him, he turns from subdued (or is it defeated?) husband and friend into a raging alcoholic nightmare. The thing is, you feel a real sympathy for what’s happening to him. The ending is killer for a wild twist, even though I saw it coming in the last few minutes. Also, they get points in this episode for utilizing a crossbow!

The Thing from the Grave - For a final episode, this one was a wise choice. It’s got Teri Hatcher (TV’s Desperate Housewives, Lois & Clark) in a great role and also it’s got Miguel Ferrer (Traffic, Robocop). The story involved Hatcher’s character Stacey as a model with a rather psychotic boyfriend, Mitch (Ferrer). There’s trouble in their relationship because Mitch is kind of a jealous guy. He finds it hard to deal with Stacey’s profession. During one photo shoot, Mitch shows up as Bo, the photographer played by Laird Macintosh (Nurse Betty, The Great Raid) is doing his camerawork. Bo gets to meet Mitch and it’s well, less than pleasant. Things roll on from there.

Ferrer does an absolutely brilliant job playing the creme de le creme of absolute assholes. He’s got the mannerisms, the wit and the charm to make you want to spend a vigorous workout stomping his face. It’s perfect! You pretty much know what’s going to happen but when a movie is acted out so well it simply does not matter. Ferrer’s work is of such blackly humorous quality that you won’t remember the episode is actually going to end at some point, anyways.

Contrary to what you might’ve held to be true, this DVD was not directed by the Cryptkeeper but rather by Ramon Sanchez (acted in Penitentiary II and The Lost Platoon) and Paul Abascal (who went on to direct Paparazzi). Neither mean are puppets, but they do have experience in make-up and special effects. The parts before and after the episodes are a treat for those of us who enjoy screechy little bastard son of Iron Maiden’s Eddie and the Wicked Witch of the West. That Cryptkeeper does his thing in style, alright and it just wouldn’t be Tales from the Crypt without him… and that music.

Clearly, we’ve got a 4 out of 5 here and the only reason it’s not 5 is because some of the episodes were a little dry. I’ll review more seasons as I get them.

Until next time, this is GlowStormLion lumbering through the graveyards in search of ghost droppings to sell on E-bay. Adios mi huevos de fritos!

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"From your lips to God’s ears."

- Minister in "The Family Man" (Fear Itself)

While we missed episode 2 of this awesome series (which Red Hawk promises to cover since he’s got a DVR), both glittersoul and I (GlowStormLion) got a chance to catch this week’s episode, "The Family Man". To our surprise, it’s far different than the first episode (our review here) in both style and storyline. Of course, that goes with the territory when it comes to anthology series like Fear Itself. The intro had the same great feel and if this series goes into multiple seasons, I think we’ll come to humming right along with it - it’s that catchy.

It’s difficult to cover the storyline here without giving up a lot of plot information, but we’ll do what we can. Essentially we have two main players, Dennis Mahoney and Richard Brautigan, played by Colin Ferguson (Eureka, The Opposite of Sex) and Clifton Collins Jr. (Traffic, Dead Presidents and the voice of Cesar in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas) respectively. Dennis has a delightful little church-going family while Richard’s a derranged serial killer with a gruesome resume who the media’s nicknamed "The Family Man". After a life-altering (hehe) incident, the men’s souls switch bodies. Now there’s a serial killer in the body of an upstanding banker and community leader, while the real banker’s in prison and facing a potential death penalty.

With a story of this nature, it’d be easy enough to weave a fairly simple tale and toss in a few twists to keep things interesting. However, writer Daniel Knauf (Wolf Lake, Supernatural) gave us a much richer story than either of us expected, a story that grabs you right off the bat and just keeps getting worse: genuine horror that doesn’t rely on gore or monsters to reach the intended effect. It’s all very Stephen King-ish, taking a happy little life and ruining the living hell out of it!

Not only is the story superb, Ferguson and Collins Jr, the two leads, do such great work in this episode. I don’t mean merely playing a role, they each had to play TWO roles and keep those characters consistent with how the other actor started out. They pull this off smoothe as silk and we loved every minute of their screen time. The rest of the cast did their jobs well, so no weaknesses with the less prominent players.

Ronny Yu, who hails from Hong Kong, China, is the same dude who gave us Bride of Chucky (our review) and Freddy vs. Jason! He also made alot of movies with Cantonese titles that I’ll not pronounce because it’d just sound like I was choking. Now, Bride of Chucky and Freddy vs. Big J were great films, sure, but they don’t quite touch upon the sheer mastery it took to pull off this episode. The whole time glittersoul and I sat there commenting on how great the cinematography was. Every angle right on the money, Yu’s going to become a real force in horror if he keeps up this kind of quality, we feel.

If you missed this episode, we encourage you catch it when you can. It’s an hour long and that worked out perfectly. We think this Fear Itself might just end up being the next Tales from the Crypt. The show offers solid entertainment and true horror, something unique each week. Great job, NBC! We want more of this! Oh, and 5 out of 5 on this episode, clearly.

Until next time, this has been glittersoul and GlowStormLion - who are hurrying to take this post live. Forgive us for not having a catchy ending.

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