First things first: I’m not, nor have I ever been a raving Chucky fan. To be honest, I never liked the My Buddy Doll or the Problem Child movies, either and Chucky’s always seemed to me to be a hybrid of both those concepts. From a young age I came to abhor dolls, you see.

I got my first doll around age five. One of those crocheted numbers with the plastic face and hands? Yeah. Mine I named Kenny because the logic of childhood is a mystery that evades even the most studied scholars. In other words I got no frickin’ clue why I named the thing Kenny, but I did. Kenny, as it happens, was also the name of my grandfather. By all accounts not the nicest guy in the universe, but he kicked it before I was born so no harm, no foul.

Anyhow, around age 7 I had this creepy lil blue eyed doll in bed one night doing whatever small boys do with dolls - talking to it, we’ll assume. All I really remember is I looked into its eyes and suddenly felt overwhelmed by pure evil. Long story short: I saw Hell itself and heard the devil cackling. That’s how I remember it anyways. So I chucked the bastard into my closet and never touched him again.

So, yeah, me and dolls don’t hang. This presented a problem because Chucky’s obviously a real classic in the horror world. You can even buy freakin’ replicas of him! Fit real nice next to a taxidermied vulture or whatever, I’m sure. In all this babbling, I’m aiming to convey that I didn’t expect to find Bride of Chucky to be too terribly great.

I get in front of the TV, notes in hand and what do I see? The WWF WWE. Wrestling! I actually had to wait for that to finish before they deemed it time to begin Bride of Chucky, already in progress. This only added more steam to my internal kettle. Oh and they warn parents it "includes some violent content." Really? Come on! It’s Chucky! It’s all violence!

So, I’m frowning deeply as the opening credits roll. And what to my listening ears appears? None other than White Zombie’s Living Dead Girl! Absolute mood lifter. I can groove to this, I figure. I’m not going to spend alot of time laboring over the intricacies of the story line this time. I’m going to zoom in on random details. Such as the bit in the police station’s lock up where we see the mask from Jason (of Friday the 13th fame), a chainsaw (assumedly from ye olde Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and the Michael Meyers Mask (from Halloween). What is this some sort of Smithsonian of Schlock(tm)? HUH?? I mean this police station’s allegedly in New Jersey and none of the events from the movies referenced took place in New Jersey to my knowledge. Then again, god only knows what goes on in New Jersey.

We start off seeing a good deal of Jennifer Tilly (The Haunted Mansion, Made In America and Relax… It’s Just Sex; not to mention TV shows like Remington Steele, Hill Street Blues and Key West). She’s playing a dominatrix who’s inordinantly fascinated by zippo lighters? Yeah, just go with it. Her character looks a bit like an S/M version of Marilyn Monroe if she survived until the 90’s and moved into a trailer court. Seriously, the chick lives in an Airstream that’s decorated like a coffin. Wild! Oh and that smokey voice of hers has earned her a whole bunch of cartoon work: Family Guy, Lil’ Pimp and Monsters, Inc.

Turns out this "Tiffany" happens to be Chucky’s old flame. Her heart’s desire? Bringin’ the ole fantastic plastic back to life! To do this she’ll have to use voodoo and they actually show a Voodoo for Dummies book because the film was made during the whole Dummies heyday. Said book does not, in fact, exist - sorry. Do not despair, though, for I’ve located a dead ringer for second place: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Voodoo! How’s that for awesome? That’s me, man, doin’ for the cause and all that.

(Oh and Tiffany’s always going around calling people "Sweetface". Is that a Jersey thing? Someone help me out here.)

You guessed it, from a cornstarch pentagram dear Chucky arises once again! And Tiffany’s poor befuddled "lover" seems to be in the way. See, this "Howard" character playing Tiffany’s lover don’t exactly look like the type of dude who digs ladies if you catch my drift. He looks alot like he learned to be goth from SNL’s Azarael Prince of Darkness (played by the venerable Chris Kattan) but wound up getting a touch too much of the Mango character mixed in there. Disturbing. "Howard" is played by David Arquette’s brother/sister person. It gets real confusing, but I’ve been on the internet a long time folks. Very little shocks me. Essentially Alexis Arquette is a transgendered individual. I’m not going to dig into the personal details but if you’re curious, there’s a flick called Alexis Arquette: She’s My Brother that might interest you. Or maybe Killer Drag Queens on Dope is more your style. Whatev. Seriously, s/he did an awesome job playing a character that I honestly wish would’ve lived longer into the movie.

But Jade (played by Katherine Heigl of Knocked Up - an instant classic!) has boobies that made me feel much, much better. In fact her physique made up for a great deal of the movies shortcomings, such as John Ritter. Now I’m as open minded as the next guy, but John Ritter? I mean from Three’s Company to It Came From the Sky to 8 Simple Rules, haven’t we seen enough of this dude? I’m sorry, I know he died but I still can’t stand him! Lots of people die. I pick on them, too. Moving on.

Also, even though the movie’s from 1998 they keep mentioning how "Eighties" Chucky is. There’s a Speak ‘n Spell, a tool of the devil if there ever was one. My parents cursed me with one of those around second grade or so. "Edutainment" they called it. Yeah ha ha, real freakin’ hilarious. Jackasses. Oh, there’s also a terrific death scene where Tiffany’s doll shatters this big mirror over a couple’s bed and the raining shards do ‘em in. You’ll love it!

I apologize for the lack of substance in this review, guys, but I don’t know the Chucky franchise all that well. However, before giving my final rating, I’d like to make a point. Soundtracks save movies! The Bride of Chucky’s got some terrific bands wailing away on its behalf. Take a look at this: White Zombie, Coal Chamber, Judas Priest, Monster Magnet, Type O Negative, Stabbing Westward and SLAYER!!! \m/ yanno??

Okay, I’ve calmed myself. My verdict? 5 out of 5. Why? Well, for starters Red Hawk wanted Happy Horror to be about focusing on movies’ positive aspects - which is what I’ve tried to do in this review. But beyond that altruistic aim, the movie’s fun. Who doesn’t love fun?

Until next time I’m forced to view movies about dolls, this is GlowStormLion reminding you that music and mammaries make the world go ’round!

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I did not discover horror movies for the first time in the theaters. Growing up in the Midwest with conservative parents, we really didn’t watch many non-Disney flicks on the big screen. Instead, my exposure to horror came about "accidentally" when I’d sneak downstairs to peek at V or the USA Network’s scarier offerings. Sure, as a kindergartener they freaked me out, but that nervous thrill of viewing the forbidden outweighed the fear.

When I stumbled across Fear Friday on the AMC channel the other night, it made me remember that bygone era of G.I. Joe and Garbage Pail Kids. Especially the part where endless minutes pass before the commercial break ends and the movie resumes. I still find that ritual of maximizing the minutes of commercial breaks rewarding. Hit the bathroom, run grab a drink or raid the fridge - just be back before the movie starts up again! Now I get to take notes for reviews, too. Oh, the simple pleasure of my neurotic nature! Cue Blind Melon’s ode to neurosis.

As usual, I’ve digressed and most of you are probably grinding your teeth at me. Sorry. The movie featured that evening was Stephen King’s The Dark Half. Whenever a movie’s based on one of his stories we’re obligated to stretch the title out by adding his name at the beginning. I’ve read this particular book, as well. While I enjoyed the book, it really peeves me when "writers write about writing." Yes, yes - write what you know! Pfft.

Thankfully, this is the movie version so I’m less annoyed. As for the basic story rundown we’ve essentially got an author who’s also a college professor - you know, like Mr. King was? Essentially, this author acquires a viscious stalker named George Stark (also played by Hutton) who’s alot more familiar to him than he realizes. The character’s name is Thad Beaumont and he’s played by Timothy Hutton who does a mighty fine job of playing both his roles. That could be why he won Best Actor for that year (1993). Hutton’s a pretty talented guy all around. He was also in 5ive Days to Midnight, which I loved; another Stephen King flick, Secret Window (gee whiz! another story about a writer writing…) and he’s the narrator for Teenage Suicide: Don’t Try It! - a real classic fer shure.

The Dark Half also won Best Screenplay and Best Film for ‘93. Guess who directed it? Good ole George "Night of the Living Dead" Romero, king of zombie cinema! So maybe we oughta call this one George Romero’s The Dark Half?

Right there beside Timothy Hutton’s gradually unravelling Thad Beaumont we’ve got his wife, played by Amy Madigan, who was not only in the very first episode of my beloved childhood CHiPs , but starred along with my old drinking buddy John Candy in Uncle Buck. She does a fine job playing the frazzled mother of their twins: Wendy and William Beaumont. Yet, allow me to offer a disturbing twist regarding these charming tots. Take a closer look at little William. Notice anything? As a brief glance at the film’s credits will prove, the towheaded twin brother and sister are played by Sarah and Elizabeth Parker. Mr. Romero’s cross-dressing the Parker sisters! Alarming the lengths directors go to for a good scare, eh?

Oh, an additional note on something that caught my attention: Sheriff Pangborn. Now if you’re a rabid King reader, you probably know everything I’m about to say regarding Alan Pangborn’s fictional existence. Therefore, I politely request that you allow me to regurgitate this info undisturbed for those of us who’ve yet to obtain your level of wisdom. Thank you.

The Dark Half’s set in Stephen King’s fictitious town of Castle Rock, Maine. Many stories take place there, such as Cujo (totally ruined Beethoven for me!) which takes place prior to The Dark Half. Since the previous Sheriff perished during Cujo’s rampage, this left the spot open for Mr. Pangborn. I won’t speculate on a Pangborn-Cujo conspiracy, but feel free to do so yourself. So, Pangborn not only remains Sheriff for this story, he’s also holding the office during Needful Things and in the short story The Sun Dog (a good one!) in the King collection Four Past Midnight. Recurring characters like him are what I feel make the works of Mr. King so awesome and Star Warsian(tm).

Sheriff Pangborn looked awful familiar to me, so I scouted and learned that he’s actually Mr. Svenning - FROM MALLRATS!!! Yes, that’s right, he played the big bald jerk gameshow producer in one of the finest films ever created! He also did some work in Slither and starred in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer or whatever. But yeah, that’s Michael Rooker right there playing Pangborn, who’s way nicer than the Type A Mr. Svenning. Though not as bad as Ben Affleck’s character. Mallrats is why I despise Affleck - that and the fact that he’s an evil Leo.

Ok, enough sidetracking. If you’re gonna watch The Dark Half, I feel obligated to warn you that you’re gonna hear Elvis "sing". His melancholy "serenade" Are You Lonesome Tonight? (not to be confused with Poppy Z. Brite’s Are You Loathsome Tonight? which rocks if you actually enjoy being terrified) will play off and on throughout the film like some sort of horrifying reminder that America survived the 1950’s. Just keep reminding yourself that this is art - that’s what I did and it helped calm the convulsions.

I guess I’ve said enough, really. The Dark Half gets 5 out of 5 from me if only for the line where George Stark’s knifing someone in the hallway of an apartment building and a concerned neighbor peeks out from behind a door to ask, "What’s going on out there?"

Stark looks up, holding a straight razor, "Murder… You want some?"

That is so Duke Nukem!

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If you’re a fan of The Twilight Zone (either the original series or the 2002 series), Alfred Hitchcock Presents or The Outer Limits (the original or the modern), then you might be excited to learn that NBC plans a new horror anthology TV series!

That’s right, it’ll be something similar to what Showtime has with their Masters of Horror series. Which is a huge boon for those of us who don’t have the extra bucks to shell out for pay channels.

According to the showbiz insiders over at Variety, NBC’s going to air thirteen (that’s a lucky number for horror!) episodes of a horror anthology set to be called Fear Itself. Each episode will be an hour long and brought to us by creator Mick Garris, the guy who not only directed Stephen King’s Desperation AND Riding the Bullet, but he produced We Scream for Ice Cream (which I loved)! Oh, and of course the Masters of Horror series on Showtime (for which We Scream for Ice Cream was an episode).

Those of us who tune in will be treated by episodes directed by a range of directors including: Mary Harron (direcor of American Psycho and The Rainbow of Her Reasons episode from Six Feet Under), Darren Bousman (director of Saw 2, 3 and 4), John Landis (writer/director of American Werewolf in London as well as the Family and Deer Woman episodes from Masters of Horror), John Dahl (director of You Kill Me, Joy Ride and two episodes of Tilt), Stuart Gordon (director of Dagon and Re-Animator) who’s directing the pilot episode titled Eater. If you ask me we’re in for a great show. I mean look at those credits!

As for episodes, I’ve only managed to discover a little bit of info on that so far. Looks like there’ll be one featuring Brandon Routh (who you may know as Superman or Clark Kent from 2006’s Superman Returns) and Shiri Appleby who’s television credits include everything from Doogie Howser, M.D. to Baywatch to ER to Xena: Warrior Princess and even Roswell! Appleby and Routh episode (titled Community) has them playing a couple who move into a picture perfect little suburban community before learning what life there is really like. Another episode features a pair of private investigators checking out a hanted house. Finally there’ll be the obligatory serial killer episode where a young police officer gets the opportunity to learn about psychos right up close!

From the sounds of it, we shouldn’t expect quite as much from Fear Itself as Masters of Horror got to show because NBC is, after all, a broadcast network with different regulations it must abide by.

I’m absolutely ecstatic about this news! The series should be airing on your local NBC station starting June 5th, so be sure to tune in. Hopefully they’ll end up with much better ratings than the Masters of Sci Fi got for ABC, right?

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