First things first: I’m not, nor have I ever been a raving Chucky fan. To be honest, I never liked the My Buddy Doll or the Problem Child movies, either and Chucky’s always seemed to me to be a hybrid of both those concepts. From a young age I came to abhor dolls, you see.

I got my first doll around age five. One of those crocheted numbers with the plastic face and hands? Yeah. Mine I named Kenny because the logic of childhood is a mystery that evades even the most studied scholars. In other words I got no frickin’ clue why I named the thing Kenny, but I did. Kenny, as it happens, was also the name of my grandfather. By all accounts not the nicest guy in the universe, but he kicked it before I was born so no harm, no foul.

Anyhow, around age 7 I had this creepy lil blue eyed doll in bed one night doing whatever small boys do with dolls - talking to it, we’ll assume. All I really remember is I looked into its eyes and suddenly felt overwhelmed by pure evil. Long story short: I saw Hell itself and heard the devil cackling. That’s how I remember it anyways. So I chucked the bastard into my closet and never touched him again.

So, yeah, me and dolls don’t hang. This presented a problem because Chucky’s obviously a real classic in the horror world. You can even buy freakin’ replicas of him! Fit real nice next to a taxidermied vulture or whatever, I’m sure. In all this babbling, I’m aiming to convey that I didn’t expect to find Bride of Chucky to be too terribly great.

I get in front of the TV, notes in hand and what do I see? The WWF WWE. Wrestling! I actually had to wait for that to finish before they deemed it time to begin Bride of Chucky, already in progress. This only added more steam to my internal kettle. Oh and they warn parents it "includes some violent content." Really? Come on! It’s Chucky! It’s all violence!

So, I’m frowning deeply as the opening credits roll. And what to my listening ears appears? None other than White Zombie’s Living Dead Girl! Absolute mood lifter. I can groove to this, I figure. I’m not going to spend alot of time laboring over the intricacies of the story line this time. I’m going to zoom in on random details. Such as the bit in the police station’s lock up where we see the mask from Jason (of Friday the 13th fame), a chainsaw (assumedly from ye olde Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and the Michael Meyers Mask (from Halloween). What is this some sort of Smithsonian of Schlock(tm)? HUH?? I mean this police station’s allegedly in New Jersey and none of the events from the movies referenced took place in New Jersey to my knowledge. Then again, god only knows what goes on in New Jersey.

We start off seeing a good deal of Jennifer Tilly (The Haunted Mansion, Made In America and Relax… It’s Just Sex; not to mention TV shows like Remington Steele, Hill Street Blues and Key West). She’s playing a dominatrix who’s inordinantly fascinated by zippo lighters? Yeah, just go with it. Her character looks a bit like an S/M version of Marilyn Monroe if she survived until the 90’s and moved into a trailer court. Seriously, the chick lives in an Airstream that’s decorated like a coffin. Wild! Oh and that smokey voice of hers has earned her a whole bunch of cartoon work: Family Guy, Lil’ Pimp and Monsters, Inc.

Turns out this "Tiffany" happens to be Chucky’s old flame. Her heart’s desire? Bringin’ the ole fantastic plastic back to life! To do this she’ll have to use voodoo and they actually show a Voodoo for Dummies book because the film was made during the whole Dummies heyday. Said book does not, in fact, exist - sorry. Do not despair, though, for I’ve located a dead ringer for second place: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Voodoo! How’s that for awesome? That’s me, man, doin’ for the cause and all that.

(Oh and Tiffany’s always going around calling people "Sweetface". Is that a Jersey thing? Someone help me out here.)

You guessed it, from a cornstarch pentagram dear Chucky arises once again! And Tiffany’s poor befuddled "lover" seems to be in the way. See, this "Howard" character playing Tiffany’s lover don’t exactly look like the type of dude who digs ladies if you catch my drift. He looks alot like he learned to be goth from SNL’s Azarael Prince of Darkness (played by the venerable Chris Kattan) but wound up getting a touch too much of the Mango character mixed in there. Disturbing. "Howard" is played by David Arquette’s brother/sister person. It gets real confusing, but I’ve been on the internet a long time folks. Very little shocks me. Essentially Alexis Arquette is a transgendered individual. I’m not going to dig into the personal details but if you’re curious, there’s a flick called Alexis Arquette: She’s My Brother that might interest you. Or maybe Killer Drag Queens on Dope is more your style. Whatev. Seriously, s/he did an awesome job playing a character that I honestly wish would’ve lived longer into the movie.

But Jade (played by Katherine Heigl of Knocked Up - an instant classic!) has boobies that made me feel much, much better. In fact her physique made up for a great deal of the movies shortcomings, such as John Ritter. Now I’m as open minded as the next guy, but John Ritter? I mean from Three’s Company to It Came From the Sky to 8 Simple Rules, haven’t we seen enough of this dude? I’m sorry, I know he died but I still can’t stand him! Lots of people die. I pick on them, too. Moving on.

Also, even though the movie’s from 1998 they keep mentioning how "Eighties" Chucky is. There’s a Speak ‘n Spell, a tool of the devil if there ever was one. My parents cursed me with one of those around second grade or so. "Edutainment" they called it. Yeah ha ha, real freakin’ hilarious. Jackasses. Oh, there’s also a terrific death scene where Tiffany’s doll shatters this big mirror over a couple’s bed and the raining shards do ‘em in. You’ll love it!

I apologize for the lack of substance in this review, guys, but I don’t know the Chucky franchise all that well. However, before giving my final rating, I’d like to make a point. Soundtracks save movies! The Bride of Chucky’s got some terrific bands wailing away on its behalf. Take a look at this: White Zombie, Coal Chamber, Judas Priest, Monster Magnet, Type O Negative, Stabbing Westward and SLAYER!!! \m/ yanno??

Okay, I’ve calmed myself. My verdict? 5 out of 5. Why? Well, for starters Red Hawk wanted Happy Horror to be about focusing on movies’ positive aspects - which is what I’ve tried to do in this review. But beyond that altruistic aim, the movie’s fun. Who doesn’t love fun?

Until next time I’m forced to view movies about dolls, this is GlowStormLion reminding you that music and mammaries make the world go ’round!

-- by GlowStormLion of http://www.happyhorror.com

Tags: chucky, dolls, horror, possession, review, tv, voodoo

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 10th, 2008 at 5:08 pm and is filed under Horror Films, Horror Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.