Tales From the Crypt - The Complete Second Season (1989) on DVD
Originally Published: July 6, 2006
When I was growing up my family went through different phases. As a very young kid, say age 4 (when my first memories occurred) until age 9 we had cable television. I even got the Disney channel for my birthday one year. Then we moved to another state and went through a real economic deep freeze that made cable an unwanted expense for my parents. As a result, I missed out on a lot of good programming and instead was forced to watch PBS shows like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego and other atrocious shows. At no point did we ever have HBO or any other worthy pay channel, therefore I missed Tales from the Crypt entirely. I’d heard of it, but I’d seen none of it.
All that changed thanks to Netflix. Finally I was able to get ahold of the DVD of the first season of Tales from the Crypt! I was royally stoked when it arrived and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Each of the six episodes was gloriously fun. I couldn’t wait to write my review. Then I figured something out. I actually hadn’t seen the first season, I’d seen the second
Since I’m such a dashingly original thinker, I’ve decided to review each episode separately rather than the entire DVD at once. Genius, I know but I hate to gloat so we’ll go ahead with things. The Cryptkeeper
Ahem.
Dead Right - This episode stars the luscious Demi Moore as a somewhat financially focused career-woman. She walks into a fortune teller’s business as a skeptic and walks out… a skeptic. You see, Madam Vorma is your typical cheesy gypsy-styled shyster, Cathy (Demi) thinks. Her insights might be good, but when the lady tells Cathy she’s going to marry a wealthy man, it just seems to good to be true.
Natalia Nogulich (Postcards from the Edge, Hoffa) does a fine job in her role. I enjoyed her portrayal, as over the top as it might’ve been. A lot of the acting in this episode was fun, though I found Demi’s to be a bit limp. She never quite blended well enough with the rest of the cast for my tastes. Jeffrey Tambor (Hellboy, Arrested Development TV series) did a fabulous job acting his role which required quite a lot of special effects from the looks of things. He manages to bring some humanity to what otherwise be a total caricature as well as good humor.
I wasn’t terribly shocked by how the story played out yet it was worth the watch as total popcorn cinema. There’s nothing too insane or gory or sexual. Just a quick story that’s fun to watch.
The Switch - What you’ll witness in the second episode is Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s directorial review. When this came up on the screen a loud groan escaped me. Resentment welled up inside, I was prepared for a terrible piece of cinema that might compare with Schwarzneggar’s typical acting (which I have rarely enjoyed fully). What actually happened was quite groovy. In retrospect, Schwarzeneggar’s experience in the muscles and body-building lifestyle probably helped the film out, also.
Set design was very well done for this one. We open on a luxurious home of an elderly Mr. Moneybags, Carlton Webster (William Hicky of My Blue Heaven, Major Payne), who’s fallen in love at the ripe old age of older-than-god. He’s in love with a beautiful young woman (Kelly Preston of Dusk til Dawn, Jerry Maguire). Unfortunately, his lady’s love isn’t blind. She gently informs him that she can’t love one who’s so old and that he has zero chance to win her heart. That doesn’t stop our jolly, eternally optimistic bundle of ancient sunshine, though. This Carlton sings, dances and really won my heart. I wouldn’t mind being that joyously outrageous when I get to be his age (around 112, I believe).
Mr. Webster devises a plan to turn back the clock on his body. Through the miracle of modern mad science he begins a process that will change his life, allowing him to become what the object of his affection needs to see. The tale ends up being a moral play so I won’t ruin it for you, but I will state that it’s entirely enjoyable to the end. Before all this Govenator stuff, Schwartzeneggar sure did direct a damn fine film!
Cutting Cards - This episode is perhaps the most intense one of the line-up. We’ve got two major gamblers gathered together in the world’s capitol of luck, Nevada. Starring in this rather morbid show are Kevin Tighe (What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Road House) as Sam Forney and Lance Henriksen (the Millennium guy) as Reno Crevice. This duo serves as an excellent object lesson in the dangers of gambling addiction. These high-rollers crave risky thrills the way zombies crave brains.
The cowboyish tone of the episode is quaint and there’s a definite feel of what the comics probably brought to the table in terms of pulp atmosphere. The story is simple, but effective and there’s an ending that’ll probably make you say "That’s messed UP!" If I’m not mistaken, that’s the general aim of Tales from the Crypt after all, so I’d have to say they hit the target dead on with this one.
‘Til Death - Here we have an episode that’s about a wealthy white plantation owner who is determined to build a resort hotel on Haiti. While there he meets an even wealthier woman who captures his interest. She won’t give him the time of day so he’s got to find a way to win her over because afterall, building actual relationships is an arduous process and not economically efficient. Thankfully, he’s in Haiti, though and you know what that means!
Yep, visit the voodoo priestess to the quaint locals and get yourself a potion. Unfortunately for Logan, our ‘protagonist’, the local voodoo priestess is also his ex-lover. Since he’s not exceptionally bright, Logan quickly follows the instructions with the potion and then adds his own twist. I’m not exactly sure what sort of social statement is trying to be made here, but it’s a bit… uncomfortable to watch in some places since the cultural sensitivity level is even further below my own. What I mean is that the story comes from the 1950’s so you’re going to see embarrassingly goofy depictions of black folks. Other than this, it’s fairly entertaining even if not quite the stellar gem of the DVD.
Three’s a Crowd - This one’s a doozy! We’ve got a married couple who’ll be celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary. The husband Richard, played by Gavan O’Herlihy (Superman III, Willow), isn’t a big earner so he and his wife are being treated to a luxurious vacation by their friend Alan, who’s played by Paul Lieber (Parking, Shag). Lieber does an excellent job portraying the sort of grinning debutante that instantly gets under your skin and there’s not much time before you’ll be considering the wife Della, played by Ruth de Sosa (Dreamers, Confessions of a Hitman), to be a scheming evil cheat.
This O’Herlihy would make a wonderful werewolf. There’s a sort of bestial intensity about him that shines in this part. As what’s going on between Della and Alan becomes more apparent to him, he turns from subdued (or is it defeated?) husband and friend into a raging alcoholic nightmare. The thing is, you feel a real sympathy for what’s happening to him. The ending is killer for a wild twist, even though I saw it coming in the last few minutes. Also, they get points in this episode for utilizing a crossbow!
The Thing from the Grave - For a final episode, this one was a wise choice. It’s got Teri Hatcher (TV’s Desperate Housewives, Lois & Clark) in a great role and also it’s got Miguel Ferrer (Traffic, Robocop). The story involved Hatcher’s character Stacey as a model with a rather psychotic boyfriend, Mitch (Ferrer). There’s trouble in their relationship because Mitch is kind of a jealous guy. He finds it hard to deal with Stacey’s profession. During one photo shoot, Mitch shows up as Bo, the photographer played by Laird Macintosh (Nurse Betty, The Great Raid) is doing his camerawork. Bo gets to meet Mitch and it’s well, less than pleasant. Things roll on from there.
Ferrer does an absolutely brilliant job playing the creme de le creme of absolute assholes. He’s got the mannerisms, the wit and the charm to make you want to spend a vigorous workout stomping his face. It’s perfect! You pretty much know what’s going to happen but when a movie is acted out so well it simply does not matter. Ferrer’s work is of such blackly humorous quality that you won’t remember the episode is actually going to end at some point, anyways.
Contrary to what you might’ve held to be true, this DVD was not directed by the Cryptkeeper but rather by Ramon Sanchez (acted in Penitentiary II and The Lost Platoon) and Paul Abascal (who went on to direct Paparazzi). Neither mean are puppets, but they do have experience in make-up and special effects. The parts before and after the episodes are a treat for those of us who enjoy screechy little bastard son of Iron Maiden’s Eddie and the Wicked Witch of the West. That Cryptkeeper does his thing in style, alright and it just wouldn’t be Tales from the Crypt without him… and that music.
Clearly, we’ve got a 4 out of 5 here and the only reason it’s not 5 is because some of the episodes were a little dry. I’ll review more seasons as I get them.
Until next time, this is GlowStormLion lumbering through the graveyards in search of ghost droppings to sell on E-bay. Adios mi huevos de fritos!
-- by GlowStormLion of http://www.happyhorror.com
