Well, Merry Readers, we come once again to woeful Wednesday and that implies yet another installment of Monster Laboratory! I know what you’re thinking… yes, the rent’s due and no, when she says get milk at the store she doesn’t mean Nestle Quik. Gawd, you people!

 

No doubt you’re curious at to what sort of foul sacrement I’ll offer up for this week’s ritual
of monsterness. So am I. I’ve been so freakin’ busy this week that I’ve not taken the five or six pages of notes that usually lead up to my grand creations. I’m also lying, but you’ll need to use all the tools at your disposal to figure out WHAT I’m lying about! Clever.

I do believe I’ve struck upon something both disgusting and fearful. It’ll make the finest
movie ever, too! Which is good since "poopdidoop" accused me of plagiarism last week in a round-about way over my Mushroom Zombies.

Honestly, I’d not read David Wellington’s take on zombies so I’ll plead innocence on that one. I can’t be expected to read every damned novel in the universe hacked off by some two bit writer! Not saying Wellington’s a hack or a two-bit writer, I’m merely saying that if he WERE I’d have quite a bit more leeway but as it stands I STILL cannot be expected to know everything about everything. If you want an oracle, go read Warren Buffet and put yourselves to sleep.

/end.rant

Alright, now that I’ve tugged that outta my chest, on to this week’s exercise in
pseudo-scientific dabbling. What I’m about to offer you is perhaps the most terrifying vision that’s ever struck my mind. It’s so evil, heinous and disturbing that many of you may not be able to finish the article. I promise not to include pictures, but I *do* encourage you to photochop up a few examples if you’re skilled with Adobe’s magical Photoshop (or, if like me you’re a total cheapass and use the GIMP). I know there are those of you reading this who know how to make marvelous creations and IF YOU MUSTER THE COURAGE TO ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE I promise to display your works right here on the site, okay?

But, Glow, wtf are you getting at? What could be so frightening that I’ll soil this thong I
borrowed from my sister? I hear you, Merry Readers, I truly do. I also think that’s gross.

We open our mind movie on a sunny field in mid-June when all the world’s groovy for elementary kids across our great cornfed nation of America. We’ve got three kids throwing a ball around out there and catching solar radiation like it’s 1982 - but it isn’t 1982 and as a result these little rapscallions may be heading towards an early grave due to their careless lack of sunscreen. Who are these three stars of our mental cinema? Why it’s Kyle (with the obnoxious red curly hair), Melanie (our leggy little slut-to-be) and Justin (a crew-cut snotnose who’s got a strong lisp and will totally pinch you in class when the teacher’s not looking). They have a little conversation that goes something like this:

JUSTIN: Kyle, you’re such a pansy! No one beweaves (believes) in ghofs (ghosts)!

MELANIE: My mom does.

(Remember this is set in modern times)

JUSTIN: You’re mom’s a slut any how!

MELANIE: *glaring* You shut up! Just because me, Theresa, Dylan, Monica and Tyler all have different dads doesn’t mean anything!

*both boys laugh while MELANIE continues to glare*

MELANIE: SHUT UP or I’ll turn YOU into a ghost!

JUSTIN: Whooo. Scawee (Scary)!

MELANIE: Mom says ghosts are just people who haven’t passed over.

KYLE: Passed over what? Like they’re Jewish?

MELANIE: No, dorkstick, like died. Like they passed over into Heaven or whatever.

JUSTIN: Only babies beweave in heaven. Any way, ghofs aren’t scawee unless you’re a weetard (retard) so you guys must be weetards.

MELANIE: You’re just jealous because your dad still works at McDonald’s.

JUSTIN: He’s a manajo (manager)!

KYLE: Manager of what? Chicken nuggets?

JUSTIN: Shut up, dooth (douche) bag, or I’ll tell your sisto (sister) you found her webcam videoth (videos)!

*KYLE blushes, MELANIE looks sympathetic, intrigued*

JUSTIN: So ghofs are the scaweeiest (scariest) thing you guys can think of? Seriouswee (Seriously)?

KYLE: I heard this story once…

JUSTIN: Oh gwate (great), here he goes again!

MELANIE: Let him finish, queerbait!

*JUSTIN’s shocked into silence*

KYLE: Well… My great grandma said that in the Old Country, where she came from before she migrated to America, they have trolls. Kind of like in World of Warcraft, except smaller like the gnomes.

JUSTIN: My Blood Elf’s a level-

*KYLE and MELANIE glare JUSTIN back to silence*

MELANIE: What do the trolls do? Did your Grandma say?

KYLE: Well, she talks kind of funny because of her accent and the fake teeth, but I think she said the eat people. That or they eat pebbles, I’m not sure.

MELANIE: Did she mean the Flintstone’s cereal?

KYLE: I don’t think so. She looked kind of scared to tell us. She says trolls live in
basements and dark places and that you only see them when you’re by yourself. They pick on little kids the most.

MELANIE *shivers*: Maybe they eat spiders and rats, too, then. What do they look like?

KYLE: That’s the scary part. She says that they’re short and stumpy. Real fat and ugly, too, with gross hairs and moles and stuff.

MELANIE: Ew!

*JUSTIN simply watches, wide-eyed, wrinkling his little queerbait nose*

KYLE: Except trolls don’t have their own look. They steal it from the people they kill. Like
if they kill you and eat you then they look like you except all fat and nasty.

JUSTIN: Imagine if you went home and one of them popped out fwom (from) behind the couch and wooked wike (looked like) your mom or something! I’d fweak (freak) out!

MELANIE *shudders*: Oh my god, I hope I never see one!

But she will, Merry Readers, she certainly will. For the sake of our motion picture, Melanie MUST confront the trolls in her own home. Of course, these aren’t the trolls that Kyle’s dementia-drunk grandmother was babbling about. No, these nightmare are not from Hungary, they’re from - outer space! In fact, they’re not actual life forms as we currently understand them. Instead, they’re products of an extra terrestrial race who are unable to survive within our atmosphere. As a result, they turn to their own hybrid of magic and science to create artificial life forms that ‘research’ our fragile species. We come to call them: Shapeshifting Android Trolls! Or SAT for short.

Here’s how Rey from Illustrated Movie Review pictures them!

Now the SATs might’ve been harmless, except the aliens really weren’t looking to preserve life while they carried out their research. They noticed that unlike their kind, creatures on Earth ‘feed’ on things by stuffing the food into their mouths. They designed their trolls to operate in a similar fashion, cramming humans into their mouths and allowing them to break down in the stomach area. The stomach of an SAT is designed to sift through the physical matter of the digesting human and beam back the data in alien-friendly laser code. Then, the data’s used by the troll’s internal systems to attempt to re-create the person it just gorged on. This means that Kyle’s grandma wasn’t far off: each meal alters the troll’s appearance to resemble the last victim.

Imagine, if you will, a fat, short and totally gross version of any person you can think of.
When I say fat, I mean similar to Fat Bastard in the Austin Powers movies. A sludge-like blimp of a person no taller than three and a half feet. Perhaps they’ve got bulbous, misshapen eyes and oddly arranged teeth - use your creative powers here! Obviously they’re ungodly strong and cannot be "killed" so they’ll be able to rampage through our world terrorizing children for ages to come!

I’m kind of creeped out now so I’m going to go into another room where the lights are on.

 

Until next time, this has been GlowStormLion reminding you that children and the elderly should never, EVER be left alone together.

-- by GlowStormLion of http://www.happyhorror.com

Tags: Monster Lab, monsters, trolls

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