Pictured: Your typical sea squid in the ocean, all slimey and pretty

 

[Editor's note: Yeah, I know what time it is but it's STILL Wednesday in Alaska!]

Isn’t July fun, Merry Readers? The warm, sunny weather and the endless days of vacation filled with magnificent barbecues and ever-flowing Kool Aid. Yes, that time of year when we invite our neighbors over to enjoy the pool or toss lawn darts while we secretly hope one lands on the bad neighbor’s roof. The very month that the glorious bastion of freedom we now know as America burst forth from the womb of Europe to declare itself independent of kingly rule. The month when a slippery, screaming Red Hawk (Happy birthday, dude!) squirted out into the world never knowing that he’d one day write for us here at Happy Horror. Also there are fireworks!

Yes, July offers us all the pleasures of summer that we can’t get from Newports or Marlboros alone. Since we were kids we’ve looked forward to the sunburns, the wasp infestations and the perennial torching of California which is unfailingly followed by Florida’s hurricane beatdowns. There’s no substitute for summer, really, especially if you’re a kid.

So this week, in celebration of the year’s hottest month I’d like to offer up what’s perhaps the hottest story I’ve ever offered here at the world headquarters of horror entertainment.

Relax and let me tell you a little story. Sit back, grab a cold one and pop the top because we’re about to go where no Hollywood flick has ever gone and when we get there, there ain’t no comin’ back because the tentacles of my imagination never let go and grow back EVEN IF YOU CUT THEM OFF WITH YOUR SOURPUSS ATTITUDES. I mean I’m gonna unroll a gripping story. Really.

Okay, so we got a summer camp. Let’s call it Camp Aspenbrook. For decades, the camp’s served as one of the hottest locales for upscale suburbanites to send their pubescent offspring. Kids whose lives are rich with opportunity, promise and the latest fashions. Kids who enjoy buying albums the day they come out and get digital cable in their rooms. Kids who get a car on their 18th birthday and have all their freakin’ college paid for them including books and money to party with even though they totally won’t even buy you a beer unless they think you’re cool enough and honestly, who’s cool enough? Right? Still with me?

All right, these high school Dawson’s Creek wanna-be’s get up to Camp Aspenbrook and start unpacking. Of course, the camp directors pride themselves on rustic accomodations meant to build character so they won’t have sattelite TV or any of that, but they’ve got internet access via their cellphones because they cut a deal with Verizon to install a tower about twenty minutes from the camp. And that’s good. We want that. We want them sending frantic cellphone pics and videos as things get interesting.

Of course, these are teens we’re talking about and you know teenagers - they want to get frisky and with a whole gaggle of good lookin’ guys and girls you know that they’ll be up to more than roasting weenies and getting sticky marshmellow goop all over them. These hormone-laced hotties sneak off repeatedly into the woods to score.

However, we got Ivan the caretaker. He’s a local in the small village that’s the only
civilization close to camp at all. He got hired because he understands the local wildlife. He arrived in town back after the fall of the glorious Soviet Union and back in dear sweet Russia he used to be a fisherman. A whaler, in fact. A salt of the sea who still bears the scars of his former career and has grey-hair-covered bulk of muscles to back it. Obviously his English is poor and deeply accented. He’s also generally in a terrible mood, hates the capitalist piglets he’s paid to deal with and drinks on the job as he’s done for decades.

Thing is, Ivan lives with a secret guilt. He never did want to whale but that’s what his daddy did and his daddy before him, etc. And killing whales pays good money. Not necessarily to the sailors themselves, but you get the pride of saying you kills Earths largest mammals. You also get exposed to squids. Giant squids. And if you’re tripping on acid at the time, you hear messages from those squids. Death threats and promises that, "I will stalk you until the end of your days, Ivan." Except in Russian so this part would be subtitled so you unilingual types could still understand the Message of the Squid.

Ivan knows it’s impossible for a squid to be anywhere near the Rocky Mountains. He moved there for a reason - to get away from any kind of squid. He’s secretly in fear that the message will one day come true because that was one nasty LSD trip and he still gets flashbacks. Especially if he drinks and ole Ivan drinks like the proverbial fish if you’ll pardon the cheap irony.

When he begins suffering from a series of awful nightmares, he knows things are going bad for him. When he begins noticing small tremors in the earth, he gets the hell out of camp as fast as his beat up Isuzu will take him.

The kids, though, they stay at the camp. They ignore the ground shakes and keep working to bang each other other. They do some white water rafting and sing a few awful campfire songs along the way, but mainly they’re each on a quest to dabble in the desires of the flesh. That means lots of boobies and that’s a critical component in a film like this.

Then one day, tentacles begin to appear and grab campers one by one at first. Gradually we work our way up to a spectacle to rival King Kong where the squid erups right in the middle of the main lodge and begins squeezing people so hard they pop like ripe grapes! Some he flings about and dashes to pieces. Then the National Guard’s called in but they can’t make it so the Marines arrive and a huge tank-flinging, Apache-slapping battle ensues.

As you can see, this movie will sink the Titanic’s level of popularity and outshine any other monster movie ever created. Tickets will clearly go for twice the price by scalpers milking the E-bay masses. You guys make it happen and the Oscars will follow!

-- by GlowStormLion of http://www.happyhorror.com

Tags: Monster Lab, squid

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 17th, 2008 at 12:10 am and is filed under Monster Lab. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.