This week’s been a real cooker down here in the dusty desert metropolis known as Phoenix, Arizona. All the heat’s serving up a wide variety of sweaty, fantastic ideas, some of which are best left until cooler moments to reconsider. Yet I feel this Wednesday’s Monster Laboratory may well leave a deep mark for its springs from the darkest childhood memories I posess. My deep fear of elves.

No laughing, Merry Readers, I’ve borne enough torture without the added burn of mockery, thank you. As a tiny tike I’d not really had the idea of elves fully explained to me. I’d not yet been exposed to Tolkien’s slender woodsmen variety and Keebler’s pint-sized cooks didn’t really register as elves. To me, elves took the form of tiny people, about the size of your average 3.5 inch action figure. However, the word "elves" sounded innately "evil" so I figured the truth about elves must be sinister.

Darby O’Gill and the Little People didn’t help things out. I knew those "little people" were far too large to be accurate. In my pre-grade school ponderings I put together a portrait of elves as being the size mentioned above, as quick as mice but with the temperment of angry Gremlins. Viscious beings well-fed by our scraps having no other purpose that to hide until such time as they might spring from beneath your bed and attack, laughing in Kreuger-esqe fashion as they superglued the door shut so they could keep you in your bed room, attacking endlessly to the soundtrack of piercingly high-pitched cackles.

That’s probably why my parents didn’t let me drink pop after 5:00pm. My imagination respects no boundaries, Merry Readers, even in those single digit years my mind ran maverick. The tiny people might rig booby traps all about, use needles for spears and otherwise possess strength far superior to our own in terms of size to power ratios. Once I learned about the Irish legend on leprechauns, I realized I couldn’t be the only one who knew the true nature of tiny people. Leprechauns lusted after gold, told lies and made you search for special clovers that didn’t exist. The mythology mutated in my mind, growing darker, more terrible.

Maybe my parents began to see signs. When I began kindergarten, they forbid Lucky Charms as part of my nutritious breakfast, keeping me towards Raisin Bran or Wheaties, the choice always being mine. Because I knew Wheaties to be the breakfast of champions, I chowed down each morning in the hopes of maintaining the strength I’d need to fend off any incoming leprechauns.

Around first grade, a darker shadow overtook the leprechauns. I’d begun to stay up later and witness commercials for scary movies. Films featuring those fanged abominations known commonly as vampires. The terror struck deep and spawned a realization: the tiny people must be vampiric! That’s how they could be stomped, thrown against walls or pinned beneath heavy objects and never be badly injured! The day I made this connection a chill shot through me. Tiny undead leprechauns? Why, they’d be as close to invincible as any monster could possibly be!

And that is what I’ve revived in the Monster Lab this week: the bane of my childhood, Leprechaun Vampires. Now that I’m a real grown-up, I’m able to properly evaluate these childish fantasies and measure them against today’s standards. When I did that, I understood that little me came up with nothing short of pure brilliance. Not scary to you, yet? Allow me to elaborate, then.

Let’s use the setting of a movie. We’ve got a family consisting of a single mother and two young kids, a boy and a girl. They’ve gone through some hard times with mom’s old boyfriend which means they’ve lost their house and been forced to move into a large city so mom can be closer to work. Since she’s not even got a car at this point, she’s having to take the city bus. This means she’ll have to leave for work before the kids go to school and won’t get back until long after they’re home again. It’s the only way to pay the rent and the children, ages nine and eleven, fully understand.

Of course, these kids now have a whole bunch of alone time since a babysitter costs too much. They’re on the eighth floor of a massive old apartment complex which means they’ve got to pass any number of drunken bums or twitching crack addicts on their way up the creaking stairs to their apartment. These moments raise great fears, more for the older sister who’s aware of how dangerous people in this city can be. She hurries her brother to and from school, trying always to avoid speaking with anyone. Once they’re home they throw the locks and prop a chair against the door. From time to time they hear screaming, sirens and the occaisional seasoning of automatic gunfire. They try to drown it out with daytime television.

Life in old building’s usually feels spooky. There’s a haunting sense you get when you enter vast brick structures constructed a century ago. Thousands of people have lived, given birth and died within the walls of the Chesterfield Heights housing project. Constructed to house a booming population of impoverished city dwellers long ago, no one chooses to move into Chesterfield Heights. You go there when every other option’s been exhausted. As a result, the place reeks of despair, madness and the unique shade of bitter hatred poverty brings to the world. A setting that calls out to monsters who feed on those negative energies, nourished by suffering and sheltered by the fact that no one else in the city ever wants to investigate problems that go down in Chesterfield Heights.

The kids struggle to stay happy for mom who’s constantly exhausted by her day job. They never tell her about the scary things: the weird laughter that seems to come from the bath tub, the scurrying sounds in the heating vents or the numerous small items that disappear and re-materialize in their rooms almost daily. Little brother desperately wants to tell mom about the strange happening but older sister threatens him. She says mom doesn’t need the stress and that it’s probably rats doing all those things. She never seems to see the evidence he sees.

As winter sets in, the circumstances grow bleak and events ever stranger. Both children begin to wake each moring to tiny cuts in various parts of their bodies. Mom notices, but she says it may be fleas. Even though people aren’t allowed to have pets, many hide their cats. Plus, a great many stray cats sneak in when the outside doors get blown open at night. Fleas, she tells the children, promising to buy a powder to get rid of them as soon as possible. Little brother knows it’s not fleas. He’s awakened once in the middle of the night to see a small shadow creep across the bedroom floor. When he gasped, a tinkling sound of evil laughter came from that direction and the shadow vanished. He’s young enough to be terrified and old enough to realize no one will believe him if he tells what he saw. So he sets to work.

There we go, the perfect set up for the vampiric leprechaun movie. These things can disappear in a New York minute and fight meaner than New Orleans hooker! Sharp teeth, vision take allows them to see in complete darkness and being so miniscule, they need only small quantities of blood at any given time. In fact, in the Chesterfield Heights basement they farm rats to use as a back up supply, milking them for blood whenever there’s danger of them being discovered. Through a network of sewers and other pipes they’ve got something of an infrastructure. Groups trade with other groups, warning each other of any incoming danger of humans discovering them.

Always, the leprechaun vampires stick to isolated targets. Children left alone, single people with no social lives or even the elderly. They prey on those who haven’t got the ability to call in back-up. They thrive on the terror they’re able to evoke from their victims. They’re also nearly impossible to kill. They can hold their breath for hours (allowing them to ride through pipes in your house), be run over by cars and come out unscathed - even a grown man of tremendous strength could not close his fist around any but the weakest LV.

They fear two things, bullets and fire. Good luck hitting one with a bullet though, you’ve got better odds of knocking down a squirrel as it’s charging you and since they stick to indoor areas, you’re basically NOT going to hit them. Stick to fire. It’s cleansing properties cause the LV’s to tremble with terror. The pure heat utterly destroys them and they cannot revive themselves from a pile of ashes. Even candles scare them off fairly effectively. The only way to deal with an LV infestation is to firebomb the place. This also gives our movie series the chance to showcase awesome pyrotechnics which audiences adore!

Promotional gimmicks? Yes, I’ve thought of that, too! Action figures, Merry Readers, the Leprechaun Vampire action figure line would be a hot seller. Take a piece of the tiny terror home with you! In fact, an Asian variant could arrive during the opening scenes of the movie. Imagine a child purchasing an action figure, pleased as peaches with his new toy. He’d never notice the fact that it occaisionally moved, but we viewers would. We’d know that given the chance that LV would chew through the packaging and be free to rampage. Entire colonies of them sneaking into Hong Kong toy factories and disguising themselves as the latest, most popular must-have figures of the day. Then once they arrived in the stores, freeing themselves in their new city and setting up homes. Watch out, Wal-Mart, you’ll spread the undead plague!

Now comes the call to action. It’s your job to find the producers, directors and actors needed to get this show on the big screen. Leprechaun Vampires promise to re-invent cinematic horror. Nothing’s scarier than a little evil - there’s your tag line!

Until next I present you with a startling horrific Hollywood revolutionary, this has been GlowStormLion reminding you that it’s never to late to burn your home to the ground for safety’s sake.

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Originally published: June 23, 2006

Once again, my Dark Genius ™ appears to be facing challenge. Once again, I will respond in full force leveling all in my path. Wonder what the hell I’m yammering about? Hellraiser: Hellworld, of course. It’s in the title, you know.

So yes, it does appear that there is some dissension over whether Hellraiser: Hellworld was a good film or not. I have my definite opinions about this but I’m going to liberally spread a little disclaimer over my hind end before we get to the nitty and the gritty. This is my second Hellraiser film. Also, I’ve not read the books. I believe my horror geek rep just shrank. I’ll survive.

Hellraiser: Hellworld came out in 2005. Let’s see what all the fuss is about…

At first, as the movie opened I wasn’t quite sure where it was supposed to be taking place. I’m still not entirely sure but I do believe it’s the United States. We’ve got a group of college-age kids at a funeral for their friend. See, they used to hang out together and despite their hip sensibilities were apparently addicted to "an inter-net game" (this is said as if we were transported back in time to the early 90’s when such terms were new). Don’t be fooled, friends, these hip youngsters were overtaken by Hellworld. They were immersed in game and the game was apparently their main form of recreation. This seems to have led to the death of their dearly departed friend.

Hellworld isn’t like other online games. From what the movie shows us, it’s actually cool with it’s own underground scene. Horror-themed raves, from the looks of things. Players log in and solve the virtual puzzle box and are then able to print out their own invitation. It’s all very exclusive and uber swank, you see.

So the group, despite the reluctance of Chelsea (played by Katheryn Winnick), all head out to the groovy party of fiendish delights. The place is bangin’ from the minute they arrive and meet The Host, Lance Henriksen, a favorite of mine. You might remember him from Aliens or the TV show Millenium. He shows them the glorious mansion where they’ll be partying and proudly displays quite a collection of macabre eye candy. It’s all pretty cool. There’s even a dance going on for the players to get freaky - provided they could dance and well… not many of those shown on screen appear to possess that elusive talent.

Pictured: Pinhead considers a midnight snack of pickled babies… in Hellraiser: Hellworld on DVD

I really can’t say too much more about the story, but I figure you’ve gathered that it’s a horror movie and as such you can expect plenty of blood-letting and creepiness. You can also expect a heavy dose of sexual debauchery, not to mention a solid helping of nudity. The acting’s not too bad, really. Katheryn Winnick really showed her stuff in this film and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at a scene near the end of the movie. Watch for it, it’s quite gratifying and not at all what you might expect from the main female lead in a horror movie (unless you’re a Laymon reader). Hopefully this represents a new turn in female characters and their response to danger.

The setting was fun, even if not super believable. It’s definitely cool to imagine a party in a mansion that you can only be invited to by such unique means. It certainly makes raves seem a bit more intimidating, over all. The story’s got more twists than an overachieving contortionists, that’s for sure. Every time I thought I knew how the movie was going or how it might end, it threw me yet again. This helped to keep the tension up and the interest level extremely high. I’m not sure how anyone could dislike that in a movie, but apparently some fans just don’t feel it was enough like what they’d come to expect from a Hellraiser picture. Perhaps I’ll feel differently after I see the rest of the series. I highly doubt it, but I’ll try to stay open-minded.

The song that concludes the movie, as the credits roll totally stuck in my head. It’s nothing even close to what I was expecting to close the film, but it certainly is memorable. I’d have to say the whole film warrants atleast a 4 out of 5. It’s not totally perfect, but it’s damned close.

Until next I write, this is GlowStormLion, dueling the forces of good and vanquishing heroes left and right in a gallant attempt to keep balance in our fragile universe. Also, I’m browsing through a collection of photographs I’ve taken of your mother while she was bathing.

Don’t be crude, of course I paid her!

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Originally posted: October 1, 2007 @ 9:39pm MST (Arizona)

They’re coming to get you, Barbra! - Johnny from Night of the Living Dead

Welcome to day one of Happy Horrorween! Yes, what was once Octoberfest has undergone a metamorphosis. Last year, I attempted to cover a movie a day for thirty-one days straight and ultimately burned myself out, not recovering until May. I’m finally picking up my stride again and to keep from having a repeat of last year, I’m not only featuring movies but also video games, TV shows, and even a few extra features, as well. So, let’s kick off our month-long festival with a cult classic!

I have a bit of a confession to make: I’m not the biggest zombie movie fan. Sure, I enjoy a good zombie flick every now and then, but ultimately my interests lie elsewhere. My mom, on the other hand, is a zombie fanatic. Her favorite type of horror movie is the zombie movie and as a result I’ve seen my share of them: good (Romero’s films), bad (The Video Dead), weird (Dead/Alive, aka Braindead), and ugly (Vampires Vs. Zombies).

Today, we’ll be focusing on the first category. My earliest memory of Night of the Living Dead is from a Halloween night many years ago. I didn’t see all of the movie then, but I remember seeing the body on the stairs and I remember the ending from then, as well. Flash ahead to about five years or so ago. I was in the habit of checking out the local public access station, as there were some pretty good shows coming out of the local University. When I turned it on one night, there was an old black and white movie on. After some watching, I realized it was Night of the Living Dead so I watched the rest of it. Finally, last Wednesday night, I watched the whole movie in one sitting for the first time. And what was my opinion of it? Ah, you’ll have to wait till the last paragraph, as always.

We open on a brother and sister, Johnny and Barbra (not a typo), who are getting to a cemetery late in the evening to place some flowers on their father’s grave for their mother. Right away, Barbra starts getting on my nerves. When they get to the grave, she starts asking why the gravekeeper takes the previous year’s flowers off the grave when they could be saved. On their way back to the car, Johnny starts making fun of Barbra. Spotting a guy walking in the distance, he starts in with, "They’re coming to get you, Barbra." As the stranger comes near, Barbra approaches him to apologize for Johnny when the man grabs her. Johnny runs to her rescue, but he gets thrown down, his head conking against a tombstone. Barbra runs, making it to the car but not finding the keys. The stranger rushes to the car and starts hitting the windows. Spotting a rock, he picks it up and starts hitting the glass, finally breaking it right before Barbra finds the parking brake and releases it, sending the car rolling down a hill and into a tree.

Running away from the still-following stranger, Barbra makes her way to a quiet farmhouse, trying to find help but the place seems deserted. What’s more, the phone doesn’t work (I originally attributed this to an earlier shot of the stranger ripping down a line outside the house, but now realize it to be a normal disaster phone tie-up). With the doors locked, she starts to go upstairs but finds a mostly-devoured corpse laying on the landing. She panics and runs out the front door nearly charging into an arriving pick-up driven by a black man named Ben. Ben encountered several of the slow-moving cannibals (who have started to surround the farmhouse) and he knows how to keep them at bay with fire.

Ben quickly takes charge, putting makeshift barricades up at the windows and doors and starting a fire outside to drive the intruders away. This proves wise as Barbra, in her shock, has slipped into an almost catatonic state. Ben quickly becomes the hero of the movie, especially after more survivors appear and complicate matters.

The acting in this movie was pretty good, I thought. Several of the main actors also played zombies in different scenes and I couldn’t tell they were the same person. Duane Jones played Ben, who definitely did an excellent job. The last movie he did before he passed away in 1988 was To Die For (aka: Dracula: The Love Story). Judith O’Dea played Barbra. I found her character to actually be pretty annoying and useless, due to her being in shock for most of the film. Miss O’Dea was also in Serial Slayer, aka Claustrophobia, where she plays the first victim we see of the crossbow-wielding killer. Karl Hardman plays Harry Cooper, the antagonist of the movie (well, human antagonist, anyway). His only other film credit is 1996’s Santa Claws. Sadly, he passed away just a few days ago on September 22. He was also a producer, sound effects artist and make-up artist on Night of the Living Dead. Marilyn Eastman played Cooper’s wife, Helen, as well as a zombie who eats a bug in a later scene. She’s also in Santa Claws. Her performance was good and I could feel the slight animosity between husband and wife (they were really married, as well). Kyra Schon played the Cooper’s stricken daughter, Karen, who spends most of the movie sick in the basement of the house. This was her only actual film credit and she was also the real daughter of Marilyn Eastman and Karl Hardman. Finally, Bill Heinzman played the first zombie we see, a role that he’s played in the last three movies he’s been in (2005’s The Drunken Dead Guy, 2006’s Shadow: Dead Riot, and 2007’s It Came from Trafalgar Square).

So, now, what were my thoughts on the film? I thought it was very well-done, both for the time it was made and the budget they had. This version of the movie was one I picked up with a 2-CD set called Horror Movie Hits, a collection of themes from different horror movies. The DVD itself is rather bare bones, with three one-page articles on Ouija boards, Voodoo, and the director, himself, as well as a trivia quiz of five questions about the movie. All in all, not a bad little package. I give the movie a solid 4 out of 5. Tune in tomorrow, when we jump ahead ten years to the next Romero installment with Dawn of the Dead. Until next time, this is Red Hawk signing out!

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Originally published: October 31, 2006 @ 7:03am PST

I’m a messenger of God. You’re doomed if you stay here. Doomed. You’re all doomed. - Crazy Ralph

Time to hit another classic series and in this one, we’re going almost to the start of the modern slasher genre, but not quite yet. Our stop this time is beautiful Camp Crystal Lake, or as the locals call it, Camp Blood. This series is different from yesterday’s Nightmare on Elm Street (my review), as I was introduced to it pretty late with part 6, Jason Lives. However, I quickly made up for it and now there’s only one movie I don’t think I’ve seen, and that’s part 4, The Final Chapter. You’re also invited to read my review of Jason X. Well, let’s get on to the movie, shal