They did it again! Right in time for the Fourth of July, Fear Itself pulled out a showstopper with their fifth episode, entitled ‘Eater‘. I’m just going to go ahead and give it a 5 out of 5 before we play any meandering down the path games. It’s freaking brilliant, so lets not waste space serenading it, Merry Readers, let’s tear right into the meat of this review!

This week, the episode’s directed by Stuart Gordon whom you may know from such classic films as Re-Animator and Space Truckers. As simple as the story line here is, he told the story in a completely spell-binding way. Here’s the basic gist of how it goes: we got a rookie lady cop who goes by Bannerman and tonight she’s going to get to stay in the station with her peers to watch over a cannibalistic serial killer known as ‘The Eater’.

Simple enough, right? First off, I’ve got to applaud the casting decision for this episode
because happily I didn’t recognize any of the actors or actress which is amazing since I’ve seen just about each one of them in other films. To me that speaks of both the actor’s ability and the director’s skill at emphasizing the character rather than the person portraying the character.

Rookie Bannerman is played by Elisabeth Moss of Mumford and Girl, Interrupted. She’s new on the force, yadda yadda. Mainly she’s a horror fan and therefore somewhat intrigued by the prospect of interacting with a real live cannibal. She gets picked on by the other cops for her rank in the pecking order and throughout the show plays a really believable character, shifting seamlessly from emotion to emotion as the circumstances warrant. You come to actually like her as far more than the heroine/victim of a horror movie.

Now the rest of the cast did excellent jobs, but I want to focus on ‘The Eater’ himself, Mr.
Stephen R. Hart. He’s a giant Canadian who stands a whoppin’ six foot eleven inches tall. I have no clue what that translates to in metric but here’s an ballpark estimation: FREAKIN’ HUGE! Not only does he pull off his role as a disgusting creep with finesse, he’s got to be doing black magic because there’s no way I believe the guy’s fifty years old like the IMDb says. According to his bio he’s not only a skilled carver, cartoonist, singer and sculptor, he guarded the Canadian Olympic team back at the 1976 games! Un-frickin-believable. Oh, and he’s also the lead singer of a ‘dance metal’ band whose music is similar to Rammstein. If he looks familiar to you, that’s probably because he was in Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Okay, we’ve established that the show featured great characters and told a story that all took place INSIDE ONE BUILDING on a single night. The camera work here sucked you straight into the story from the word go and made the characters all seem a bit bizarre and unsettling which played perfectly for the events within the story. Glittersoul became somewhat obsessed with actor Stephen Lee’s (The Negotiator, Ghoulies III) resemblence to John Goodman. You know not just anyone can play a Goodmanesque character and Glittersoul should know cause she’s seen plenty of Roseanne!

On top of the excellent cinematography this movie did something that few films, much less television shows, ever manage to do to me: gross me out. I didn’t flinch at Silence of the Lambs and every zombie flick I’ve ever seen came across silly. I even saw some twisted Italian cannibal movie where they killed real animals, but this show? Nasty - no other word describes it. I mean like Hostel-style revolting. That’s pretty impressive because I ended up really resenting Hostel for not having enough story value, but Eater fares much better. The disgust worked the way I think gross outs in films ought to work, they intensify the story, they don’t take it over.

Yep, it’s pretty much perfect in my book. Way go, Fear Itself, you’ve brought us quite a
decent helping of solid horror. Keep it up, NBC!!

-- by GlowStormLion of http://www.happyhorror.com

Since my review of Pitch Black (coming soon!) I’ve been thinking about my love of the whole mating of science fiction and horror films. Aliens make some of the best monsters and I love seeing how imaginative filmmakers can get when it comes to creating memorable extra-terrestrial fiends. While I wasn’t much of a Doom player, I did enjoy the premise of that game and found myself pretty freaked out by it at certain times. Pathetic I know, but actually… it gets worse.

The first movies I clearly remember seeing in the theaters were Bambi and E.T. when I was around four or five years old. I’m almost ashamed to admit that E.T. scared the hell out of me and after the scene with the rattling trashcans I spent most of the movie hiding under my blanket. For me, E.T. was the first blending of science fiction and horror. Crossing two genres I generally regard highly is almost always alot of fun. I can enjoy just about any crossing of horror with nearly any other genre, but science fiction and horror is my favorite. Man, when those two fuck the results are amazing!

Ghosts of Mars is no exception to that and I dare say it may be the finest film of its kind that I’ve seen so far.

 

The story told is fairly simple. It’s the 22nd century (the year 2176 to be specific) and Mars has been terraformed so that we humans can screw it up walk on it without worrying about gravity or a breathable atmosphere. The society here is run by a "matronage". In other words, women are running things. We’ve got some lady law enforcement types who will be escorting a prisoner from a mining village to his appropriate penal camp. Of course, they’ll be running into some snags along the way since that’d be a pretty boring story in and of itself.

While some reviews I’ve read didn’t care for the acting, I certainly enjoyed it! The women in charge are Pam Grier (Jawbreaker, Jackie Brown), Natasha Henstridge (Species, Bounce) and Clea Duvall (The Grudge, 21 Grams). All of them have done work I’ve enjoyed in other films, so if you keep in mind that this film was made in the spirit of B-movies then I think you can appreciate their work in this title. The get great big guns, too, so really there’s not too much to complain about. Oh yeah, there’s also Jason Stratham (Cellular, Collateral), their hornball sidekick who’s along for the ride.

Ice Cube plays James "Desolation" Williams, the prisoner in need of transport, and does a damned fine job taking his pimp persona to Mars. Actually it was New Mexico and that’s gypsum covered in biodegradeable red food dye that they’re passing off as the surface of Mars, but I digress. The whole operation should be simple except for one little complication. The mining town is empty because some jackass went and opened a secret vault which freed the spirits of the ancient Martians. These spirits possessed the colonists available to them. This is not a good day and Ice Cube and friends are definitely going to have to make use of all available AK’s to dispense of their demonic foes.

What follows is your basic tale of intergalactic ass-kicking. The Martian spirits are remnants of an ancient civilization (which I’d have liked to know a whole lot more about!) and they’re capable of switching bodies when their current host dies. This helps make things alot trickier and far more interesting. When these spirits get ahold of us normal people they begin to turn us into damned fine interpretations of Marilyn Manson. Apparently, they not only self-mutilate, they also take the time to apply some wicked make-up as an extra fearsome (but lovingly offered) touch of cinematic madness.

 

I was shocked to learn that it was not Natasha Henstridge who was originally set to play the lead cop-type. It was actually Courtney Love! While I definitely enjoyed Henstridge’s acting, I’d have loved to seen Kurt’s former wife in this role. We already know how deliciously violent she is with mere humans, just imagine how she’d act towards hostile Martians! Unfortunately, she had her foot run over by her boyfriend’s ex-wife which put her out of commission for the filming. Henstridge took over, but she became extremely sick from exhaustion because she’d just shot two other films back to back before she replaced Love and Ghosts of Mars required a great deal of heavy physical acting.

That’ll wrap it up for my review. I’m sure you know that I’m going to give this movie a 5 out of 5 because it’s just so fucking cool! If you’ve not seen it and think you might like it, give it a shot because John Carpenter directed a classic with this one.

So, until my next swear-filled review, this is GlowStormLion reminding you to check your ammo before you start smarting off, fool.

-- by GlowStormLion of http://www.happyhorror.com

Well, Merry Readers, we come once again to woeful Wednesday and that implies yet another installment of Monster Laboratory! I know what you’re thinking… yes, the rent’s due and no, when she says get milk at the store she doesn’t mean Nestle Quik. Gawd, you people!

No doubt you’re curious at to what sort of foul sacrement I’ll offer up for this week’s ritual
of monsterness. So am I. I’ve been so freakin’ busy this week that I’ve not taken the five or six pages of notes that usually lead up to my grand creations. I’m also lying, but you’ll need to use all the tools at your disposal to figure out WHAT I’m lying about! Clever.

I do believe I’ve struck upon something both disgusting and fearful. It’ll make the finest
movie ever, too! Which is good since "poopdidoop" accused me of plagiarism last week in a round-about way over my Mushroom Zombies.

Honestly, I’d not read David Wellington’s take on zombies so I’ll plead innocence on that one. I can’t be expected to read every damned novel in the universe hacked off by some two bit writer! Not saying Wellington’s a hack or a two-bit writer, I’m merely saying that if he WERE I’d have quite a bit more leeway but as it stands I STILL cannot be expected to know everything about everything. If you want an oracle, go read Warren Buffet and put yourselves to sleep.

/end.rant

Alright, now that I’ve tugged that outta my chest, on to this week’s exercise in
pseudo-scientific dabbling. What I’m about to offer you is perhaps the most terrifying vision that’s ever struck my mind. It’s so evil, heinous and disturbing that many of you may not be able to finish the article. I promise not to include pictures, but I *do* encourage you to photochop up a few examples if you’re skilled with Adobe’s magical Photoshop (or, if like me you’re a total cheapass and use the GIMP). I know there are those of you reading this who know how to make marvelous creations and IF YOU MUSTER THE COURAGE TO ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE I promise to display your works right here on the site, okay?

But, Glow, wtf are you getting at? What could be so frightening that I’ll soil this thong I
borrowed from my sister? I hear you, Merry Readers, I truly do. I also think that’s gross.

We open our mind movie on a sunny field in mid-June when all the world’s groovy for elementary kids across our great cornfed nation of America. We’ve got three kids throwing a ball around out there and catching solar radiation like it’s 1982 - but it isn’t 1982 and as a result these little rapscallions may be heading towards an early grave due to their careless lack of sunscreen. Who are these three stars of our mental cinema? Why it’s Kyle (with the obnoxious red curly hair), Melanie (our leggy little slut-to-be) and Justin (a crew-cut snotnose who’s got a strong lisp and will totally pinch you in class when the teacher’s not looking). They have a little conversation that goes something like this:

JUSTIN: Kyle, you’re such a pansy! No one beweaves (believes) in ghofs (ghosts)!

MELANIE: My mom does.

(Remember this is set in modern times)

JUSTIN: You’re mom’s a slut any how!

MELANIE: *glaring* You shut up! Just because me, Theresa, Dylan, Monica and Tyler all have different dads doesn’t mean anything!

*both boys laugh while MELANIE continues to glare*

MELANIE: SHUT UP or I’ll turn YOU into a ghost!

JUSTIN: Whooo. Scawee (Scary)!

MELANIE: Mom says ghosts are just people who haven’t passed over.

KYLE: Passed over what? Like they’re Jewish?

MELANIE: No, dorkstick, like died. Like they passed over into Heaven or whatever.

JUSTIN: Only babies beweave in heaven. Any way, ghofs aren’t scawee unless you’re a weetard (retard) so you guys must be weetards.

MELANIE: You’re just jealous because your dad still works at McDonald’s.

JUSTIN: He’s a manajo (manager)!

KYLE: Manager of what? Chicken nuggets?

JUSTIN: Shut up, dooth (douche) bag, or I’ll tell your sisto (sister) you found her webcam videoth (videos)!

*KYLE blushes, MELANIE looks sympathetic, intrigued*

JUSTIN: So ghofs are the scaweeiest (scariest) thing you guys can think of? Seriouswee (Seriously)?

KYLE: I heard this story once…

JUSTIN: Oh gwate (great), here he goes again!

MELANIE: Let him finish, queerbait!

*JUSTIN’s shocked into silence*

KYLE: Well… My great grandma said that in the Old Country, where she came from before she migrated to America, they have trolls. Kind of like in World of Warcraft, except smaller like the gnomes.

JUSTIN: My Blood Elf’s a level-

*KYLE and MELANIE glare JUSTIN back to silence*

MELANIE: What do the trolls do? Did your Grandma say?

KYLE: Well, she talks kind of funny because of her accent and the fake teeth, but I think she said the eat people. That or they eat pebbles, I’m not sure.

MELANIE: Did she mean the Flintstone’s cereal?

KYLE: I don’t think so. She looked kind of scared to tell us. She says trolls live in
basements and dark places and that you only see them when you’re by yourself. They pick on little kids the most.

MELANIE *shivers*: Maybe they eat spiders and rats, too, then. What do they look like?

KYLE: That’s the scary part. She says that they’re short and stumpy. Real fat and ugly, too, with gross hairs and moles and stuff.

MELANIE: Ew!

*JUSTIN simply watches, wide-eyed, wrinkling his little queerbait nose*

KYLE: Except trolls don’t have their own look. They steal it from the people they kill. Like
if they kill you and eat you then they look like you except all fat and nasty.

JUSTIN: Imagine if you went home and one of them popped out fwom (from) behind the couch and wooked wike (looked like) your mom or something! I’d fweak (freak) out!

MELANIE *shudders*: Oh my god, I hope I never see one!

But she will, Merry Readers, she certainly will. For the sake of our motion picture, Melanie MUST confront the trolls in her own home. Of course, these aren’t the trolls that Kyle’s dementia-drunk grandmother was babbling about. No, these nightmare are not from Hungary, they’re from - outer space! In fact, they’re not actual life forms as we currently understand them. Instead, they’re products of an extra terrestrial race who are unable to survive within our atmosphere. As a result, they turn to their own hybrid of magic and science to create artificial life forms that ‘research’ our fragile species. We come to call them: Shapeshifting Android Trolls! Or SAT for short.

Now the SATs might’ve been harmless, except the aliens really weren’t looking to preserve life while they carried out their research. They noticed that unlike their kind, creatures on Earth ‘feed’ on things by stuffing the food into their mouths. They designed their trolls to operate in a similar fashion, cramming humans into their mouths and allowing them to break down in the stomach area. The stomach of an SAT is designed to sift through the physical matter of the digesting human and beam back the data in alien-friendly laser code. Then, the data’s used by the troll’s internal systems to attempt to re-create the person it just gorged on. This means that Kyle’s grandma wasn’t far off: each meal alters the troll’s appearance to resemble the last victim.

Imagine, if you will, a fat, short and totally gross version of any person you can think of.
When I say fat, I mean similar to Fat Bastard in the Austin Powers movies. A sludge-like blimp of a person no taller than three and a half feet. Perhaps they’ve got bulbous, misshapen eyes and oddly arranged teeth - use your creative powers here! Obviously they’re ungodly strong and cannot be "killed" so they’ll be able to rampage through our world terrorizing children for ages to come!

I’m kind of creeped out now so I’m going to go into another room where the lights are on.

Until next time, this has been GlowStormLion reminding you that children and the elderly should never, EVER be left alone together.

-- by GlowStormLion of http://www.happyhorror.com

Welcome, once again, to the dark evil ritual of sonic madness known as Terror Track Tuesday! Now, I know in the past I’ve been touting older songs and bands, but I’m looking to change that. If you know of any upcoming releases I oughta stick my ears towards, be sure to leave a comment here or in the forums and I’ll give ‘em a spin.

This time we’ve got a hot one! It’s supposed to hit the airwaves today, July 1st, 2008. I managed to scour the tube sites and find a version to show here so I’m doing that. It’s Slipknot’s latest single, Psychosocial and they promise it’ll rip your face off. Then again, what metal band doesn’t promise that with pretty much every single they release, right? However, I’ve given it a listen and it looks like Slipknot might finally be back in the saddle. After Rick Rubin gave them a sour experience in 2004 with Vol. 3 (The Subliminal Verses) I never truly felt they recaptured the momentum of their first couple albums which I was a big fan of. Not quite willing to take on the title of ‘maggot’ for myself, but a fan.

If you enjoyed their big hit, ‘Wait and Bleed’ then I believe you’ll find a whole lot to enjoy with this new one, ‘Psychosocial’. It’s off the album All Hope is Gone and the band’s taken their time to craft a damn fine album if this single’s any indication. They’re leaning more towards experimentation and innovation in the thrash metal genre, but it’s nothing so far out as to be irritating. In fact we’ve got that dead-on blend of hardcore metal with quality chorus vocals that I think brings things to a new level. It’s a good deal more accessible than some of their other tracks which I’ve scared the living crap out of people with. I don’t know how a band can really sound that "scary" but I’ve played their stuff for friends and been told it was "too much" and "too evil". Obviously, none of these people delved into death metal too much or they’d know Slipknot’s not the most evil out there, but to each their own.

Now, here’s a few things I’m not sure how to feel about. For one, the band’s working with AOL (American Online) to reveal their new masks. I’m all for new masks but… AOL? Could AOL really have that many metal fans? Maybe I’m behind the times or something but I just don’t see AOL as terribly relevant when it comes to serious musical releases. That and this track was played each hour at Hot Topic. Now I’ve got nothing against that mall chain, but I know alot of ‘hardcore’ music fans just hate the hell out of Hot Topic and the "poser mallcore" crowd. I’m wondering how this marketing move will wind up affecting sales.

Now you can pre-order All Hope is Gone (and I intend to) on Amazon right here which is where I get my albums from. They’re also touring right now with the Mayhem Festival, put on by Rockstar (energy drinks, not the game company). They’re the headliners, matter of fact - that’s a festival I can’t say I’d mind seeing! The album’s going to drop on August 26, 2008 so be sure to check here in case I get lucky and wind up reviewing it. Below you’ll find a YouTube video where you can hear the whole song, also!

So, until next time this has been GlowStormLion doing his best to corrupt those of you with even an ounce of purity left in your dark fluffy hearts.